Hello Virtual World!
It has been about 2 months since I last wrote. The question I get asked the most is "how are you doing?" This question is not asked in a small talk kind of way, but rather in a REAL inquisitive manner. I feel like my family and friends ask me to reassure themselves that I am STILL okay. I am very pleased to report to you all that there are no indications of new cancer growth or any health problems for that matter. I have recovered very well post surgery and only have spots of hypersensitivity at my hips. This is a bit of a nuisance since that is the height the kiddos are hovering. That's pretty darn good for all I have experienced over the last 1.5 years. However, there is something that has been weighing on my heart a bit especially since I have my next surgery on the books for the end of August. After that surgery, the idea of bearing children will be impossible.
I touched on this subject a couple of times throughout the journey. The most significant of those times was before I started chemo. Before we began to eradicate cancer from my body, I discussed potentially harvesting my eggs for future children after cancer. Jimmy and I decided to not harvest at that time for two main reasons, we were grateful for our two gorgeous daughters and we wanted to begin treatment as soon as possible. Mid way through my treatment we met with a genetics counselor that provided us new information regarding fertility. She told us that it is possible to conceive naturally after enduring chemo, but there are some obstacles in the way. Here is the list of obstacles below:
50% chance of passing on my Lynch Syndrome mutation to my offspring
Unknown side effects of chemo for the eggs in my body
How my body will physically handle a pregnancy after my DIEP flap abdominal surgery
Advanced maternal age
How pregnancy could affect my chances of recurrence
Without me staying out top of my health and doctor recommendations for monitoring, I may not have been alive...today
Passing on my genetic mutation to additional offspring is a frightening idea. To be quite honest, it didn't occur to me that I should care about that before I had my youngest, Ailee. Maybe it's because the only difference this mutation had on my life then, was the amount of imaging and doctor appointments I had. I was constantly being screened and monitored for cancer and I loved it. I loved having the confirmation. I loved having the information. I loved being ahead of the game because I knew. The year I discovered I was a carrier of this mutation, there was not significant data that would alarm me in a way that would hinder me from continuing to have children. My OB Gyn also did not recommend that I rethink my family plan. However, now I'm left with an overwhelming amount of guilt. Guilt of the potential risk of cancer in my own children. I'm terrified that they will have to endure what I have because as any mother, I don't want my kids to suffer. I would definitely have cancer one or two times more if it meant my daughters would never have to. Knowing what I know now about my mutation, I would feel even guiltier bringing subsequent children into this world. I'm thankful every day for my two daughters and can only pray that I did not pass on this terrible thing to them. Their pediatrician says we will test them when they are 18. If they are carriers, I will have to ingrain the importance of their health and follow up into their minds. I attribute early detection as being my life saver. At the rate my tumor was growing, it would have made it well outside my breast if I continued with my daily routine because I felt "normal." Without me staying out top of my health and doctor recommendations for monitoring, I may not have been alive to write this today.
There are also a lot of unknowns related to how my eggs were affected by chemo. I went into chemo pause very early on in my treatment. Chemo pause is basically temporary menopause which could potentially lead to permanent infertility or damages to the ovaries. All of these will remain unknown unless I begin to see a fertility specialist. My ovaries seemed to kick back on a few months after my last chemo. Me having a period again gave us a glimmer of hope that maybe conceiving children could still happen. You hear and read about stories of that happening, but I never really investigated the details. So I decided to speak with my OB about her thoughts on the matter. She recommended that I do not even TRY to get pregnant for at least a year after my last chemo. She also pointed out that by the time I delivered (if I got pregnant right away), I would be considered advanced maternal age. That itself opens up a whole new window of obstacles and risks. Since my body has already been rearranged in my abdominal area, we are also unsure how a pregnancy could be complicated due to movement restrictions. Your organs naturally shift during pregnancy and since there is scar tissue and resistance there, what will happen then?
how will pregnancy affect my chances of recurrence?
Then there is the biggest unknown factor of all, how will pregnancy affect my chances of recurrence? I had triple negative breast cancer which means hormones were not the reason for my cancer, but chemotherapy changes so many things in your body. I feel like everything resets to whatever new setting after chemo. My hair is a different texture, my skin is healing differently than it did before cancer, and my nails are thicker/stronger. There are so many changes that have occurred already, who's to say that how my body reacts to new foreign things will be the same? Right now my chances of recurrence are extremely low, somewhere around the 5% range. Do I really want to gamble with those odds by having another baby? My gut tells me absolutely not, but my heart still wants to day dream about it.
Seeing my friends and family's beautiful little babies plucks at my heart strings. Seeing my own children growing so quickly makes me miss when they were babies. The Facebook memories features DOES NOT help with this either. Those that are close to me know that I dread the newborn baby phase. I always say that I love being pregnant, but can someone give me my baby back at the 6 month mark? The lack of sleep and pumping around the clock is NOT my favorite part about being a mother, but everything else after that is so amazing. A friend of mine shared this quote on her social media today, "The funny thing about kids is, they are the reason we lose it, and the reason we hold it together." This could not be any more true. My kids drive me to drink on the bad days, but in an instant they can light up my life. They are just like sour patch kids, sour at first and sweet in the end. After I made my decision about not harvesting my eggs in the beginning, I was so sure I was done having kids. It has only really affected me the last couple of months as I know my hysterectomy is going to happen. I guess this is similar to knowing when you are going to die. You want to make sure there are no regrets. You begin a period of reflection and start second guessing yourself. I'm at this point now. Maybe it's because I have so much free time on my hands with this pandemic. Maybe it's being constantly surrounded by images of my friends' growing families. I feel so much joy for these friends, but simultaneously feel sadness for myself.
I must continue to focus on my own health
Logic has led me to the decision for my laparoscopic partial hysterectomy at the end of August. For me, the unknowns are enough to deter me from changing my mind and the fact that my amazing plastic surgeon has already cut out the toughest part for moms to lose, the lower pooch. 🤣 Additionally, there is no sense in me risking my life to bring another human into this world if I cannot guarantee I'll be able to raise it. I must continue to focus on my own health so that I can be around to see my two daughters raise their own families. Maybe once I pass the 5 year cancer free mark, Jimmy and I can visit the idea of adoption.
Don't let your parents, family, or friends pass judgement on you for your choices.
For those of you struggling with fertility, YOU ARE NOT ALONE. I've seen the struggles with fertility within my own family and friends. Every story is different. Every journey is different. We just pray for the outcome that you desire. Remember that there are many ways to expand and create a family. None of us should feel ashamed of how we choose to do it. Don't let your parents, family, or friends pass judgement on you for your choices.
One of my main goals for starting this blog is to break the stigma of sharing vulnerability as being a sign a weakness. I want to share with you all something that is not sugar coated. I want you to know what is REALLY happening in my world because they are in fact REAL feelings. I cannot expect to help others if they can't relate to what I'm going through on a more intimate level. I can only hope that through my writing I can continue to help people through their struggles even if it's just a momentary feeling of relief. If I can do that, the time I have been given on this Earth will be worth it.
Now that we have gotten the main subject out of the way, I would like to share what we have spent the last couple of months doing. We have spent it celebrating family (in very small doses). To the family and friends I have not seen for half of the year, I miss you all dearly and cannot wait to make in person memories together again.
Lastly, an update on my physical appearance! I'm visibly losing weight and my abdominal scar is still pretty dark. My scar from my port is more of a reddish hue along with my belly button. Overall, I am satisfied with how I am healing from the outside. My face still has lots of dark spots/freckles, but my eyebrows are growing in fuller. I was able to get another powder ombre eyebrow touch up with Vi at Xtravagant Lash and Brows. Things are slowly getting back to a look I can be content with. With consistent intermittent fasting and now a low carb 1200 calorie diet, I can hopefully get down to the 130s before my surgery. I want to make sure that weight loss does not result in a loss of fullness in my breasts since that's where they are doing the fat grafting. If there is one thing that I want from breast cancer, it's a nice rack. Hahaha. I hope you all enjoyed today's ramblings. Have yourselves a wonderful week!
P.S. Sorry that I only have selfies in a face mask. That is really the only recent pics I have. Special shout out to Skyler for embroidering the beautiful peony on my mask. 💖