Hello Virtual World!
Long time no see! Some of you may be wondering about updates in my health, how I'm doing emotionally, and what life looks like for me these days. Well, I will do my best to give you all a cliff notes version of the last 5 months.
Let's start with how my physical health is overall. I am happy to report that I feel the healthiest I've ever been in my 36 years on Earth. Having my Cancerversary just 4 days after my birthday really makes me appreciate life even more. At the beginning of this year, I made a short list of personal improvements that I wanted to accomplish. One of those goals was to have a healthier lifestyle. As many of you all know, I LOVE FOOD. Naturally, dieting is extremely challenging for me with my food cravings. In February, I began my fitness journey. Since then, I have worked out between 5-7 days each week with the exception of about 5 weeks. 4 of those 5 weeks were due to an ankle injury I'm still healing from and the other week being post op rest ordered by the doctor. For those that know me personally, this is BIG DEAL. I have never been this active...EVER. Come to find out, there is a study that showed exercising regularly can significantly reduce the chance of recurrence in breast cancer patients. *HAPPY DANCE* Exercising regularly has not only changed my physical appearance by toning, shaping, and lifting different areas of my body, but it has significantly reduced my chronic back pains and aches. This has been such a game changer for me and how I feel throughout the day.
I feel like I have taken back what cancer took away from me, my femininity.
After my last surgery in March, I noticed a lump on my abdomen near my belly button. I did not notice it in my first 6 weeks post op, but it stood out to me in week 8. I immediately reported it to my surgeon and he ordered imaging for the area. The imaging came back inconclusive. My surgeon thinks it is a pool of fluid and/or blood that my body may naturally absorb back over time, but assured me that there was nothing to me alarmed by. He suggested we go ahead and book a surgery 6 months from the last to give my body time to potentially heal itself. If my body corrects the issue on its own, we can always cancel the surgery. That last surgery in March was a huge milestone for me.
It was the end of my reconstruction journey. It only took 1.5 years and I think 6 surgeries later to get me to a point where I feel comfortable in my own skin. Despite about 3+ feet of incisions and scars scattered across my body, I feel like I have taken back what cancer took away from me, my femininity. I am so grateful to be able to not only reach this point physically, but also mentally. I am finally able to look in the mirror and not immediately see reminders of cancer. Now I look in the mirror and see Christie 2.0.
Although Christie 2.0 has lots of amazing accomplishments to look back on through this journey with cancer, she also has to remember the struggles that led her to this very moment. I've continued to see a therapist weekly since February and I have truly discovered so much along the way, specifically related to my mental state during cancer. I realized through my sessions that I was not as mentally strong as I read in my previous blog posts. I realized that that positivity and strength that you all saw in me was actually a defense mechanism to what I was really feeling in my heart. I have always been a positive force that can always find the silver lining in any situation. I recognize now that the positivity I was putting out was a desperate cry to receive that same energy back from the world. I reread my previous posts and I did such a great job in that moment, that I fooled myself into thinking I was okay. In retrospect, I was lonely, VERY LONELY. My mental capacity at that time was maxed out. I was literally trying to heal, survive, push through, and put on a façade that everything was great which in reality it was the best we could do given the circumstances. I naturally spend lots of time self reflecting in an effort to find ways to improve my situation or myself. During cancer, I did not have the space to do that. I was simply living in that moment and determined to make the most of what I could handle and control. I couldn't self reflect deep enough to realize that the sadness I was feeling was not because I had cancer, but rather because I felt alone. Thinking back on that time, I was alone with the kids often. I used my daily routine as a way to pass the time and not be idle, but I was missing my social life. The visits from my family stopped. I seldom got visits from friends. Everyone left me alone and I didn't have the mental capacity to vocalize that I need their presence. Being able to look back at those events behind me, I can understand why things happened the way they did. I do not fault my loved ones for not being present because we were all navigating uncharted territory. None of us had ever had someone this close with cancer. None of us knew what to do to help each other get through this. I may have been the patient, but I know that the care takers and loved ones experience a different kind of pain and suffering. I am grateful that through therapy, I am able to recognize and acknowledge my feelings from that period of time and give myself the opportunity to finally process and heal. I will be the first to admit that it hurt to finally FEEL what I had masked from myself in those months. I went through feelings of abandonment, heart break, and disconnect. After going through those emotions, I was able to take time to reflect on the moments of love and care that I receive now, after cancer. I feel like maybe my diagnosis was like the pandemic we are living today. There was so much unknown to navigate and everyone had a fear of disrupting my healing/rest. Knowing what I know today, I am confident that we will all do better if we have to go down this road again. I will be able to embark on the journey and vocalizing what I feel I need to get through what lies ahead. I pray every day that I don't have to go down a similar road again, but I know it's not in my hands.
...the sadness I was feeling was not because I had cancer, but rather because I felt alone
Let's talk about what I have been doing to occupy my time. I'm not going to lie that 2021 has been THE MOST challenging year for me in every aspect of my life. I realized through these struggles, I needed to focus on myself. For once I needed to stop being mother hen to every one else, and focus my energy inward. I have begun to find peace in solitude. I feel the best when I am alone without distractions whether it be from other humans or electronics. I have been travelling more frequently this year which has been AMAZING after scaling back so much in 2020. I'd like to share my favorite place that I have managed to visit 3 times this year, the Getaway House. Getaway House is a company that purchases acreages that are within 1.5 hours of major metropolitan cities. It provides you with an escape from the daily grind with just the right amount of first world amenities. This is the type of self care that I am in love with. There is a lock box to store your cell phone and there's no WIFI available. I have thoroughly enjoyed going analog for brief periods of time and am so grateful to everyone that helps to make this time away possible. If you'd like to book your first escape, be sure to click HERE to save $25.
So what does 2 years of remission mean? It means I've reached 40% of my goal. The goal for my particular cancer is to hit 5 years without a recurrence. Historically, after 5 years of remission, they will consider this cancer cured. 3 more years to go, yall! In the meantime here are my affirmations.
I will make the most of each day I am given.
I will continue to make memories with those I love.
I will continue to put out positive energy into the world.
I will try to normalize therapy within our communities.
I will do my best to uplift those around me through my story.
Thank you for taking the time to read my latest ramblings. I haven't been motivated to write as much as before, but I couldn't let my Cancerversary go by without a blurb. I'll sign off with this message. Tomorrow is never promised. Tell those close to you that you love them. Check on your people because many of ones that appear to be the most resilient are the ones struggling in silence. No one should ever have to feel alone. Uplift each other so we can all reach our full potential. Don't be afraid to struggle because the struggle is what helps us build resilience and strength. I love you all for all your support and encouragement along this journey. Each of you holds a special place in my heart.
P.S. Here are a couple of images from my Cancerversary Photo Session by the one and only Alexandra with Miso Fotography and make up done by the best in the business, Debbie with Pink Palette Artists.
