I started this blog a little over 4.5 years ago with the hope to not only cope with my own disease, but to help others that may feel alone in their own journey. The journey is not exclusive to cancer or illness, but rather the journey through life and the obstacles we all face. The past two years have been full of monumental change. In rare fashion, emotions began to disrupt my daily existence. I went from being confident in the purpose of my life and the value I had for each living moment to being lost and not being able to identify what I deserve or desire from it. I've always been an advocate of counseling and therapy. However, it wasn't from my personal experience, but rather my empathy for everyone's struggles and knowing that sometimes hearing advice from a stranger is the key. They are not emotionally invested in a relationship with me and don't have any duty to advocate for me. With that being said, I decided it was finally time to take my own advice. For once, my thoughts were no longer linear. I felt like my mind was in complete disarray. The logical and rational thinking that I prided myself in was no where to be found. Thankfully I had a friend, who at the time didn't know me very well, offer to share the name of his therapists. He too had been through some personal trauma and found value in the uninterested third party. Naturally, I had some hesitation moving forward with scheduling an appointment. The questions that ran through my mind were:
"Am I ready to find out why I feel like something is missing?"
"Why do I feel unhappy?"
"How do I know this person is the right fit?"
Let me remind each of you that questions and apprehension are completely normal. The key to moving forward is recognizing that change cannot happen if we don't put different actions in motion. Without going through the nitty gritty of what therapy felt like for the last 2 years, I will summarize the biggest takeaways.
Therapy has helped me to understand how I deal with problems. It has taught me what solutions were healthy and which were reactive and not progressive. Through this process I have learned what my boundaries are within all relationships both personally and professionally. I have learned to communicate with different types of personalities especially the kind that create the most friction in my life. Most of all, these skills have helped me help others. I know many of my friends can attest to using me as the pro-bono therapist whether intentionally or not. I have and continue helping those that feel lost find a path to navigate through and I am so grateful for that opportunity.
Now let's talk about why I have had a 2 year writer's block. In hindsight, I feel that there were too many life changes happening in my life to pause long enough to write it down. I go back through the notes on my phone and see bits and pieces of things I wanted to include in my next post, but it never made it here. I think I was in a mental survival mode. There was an abundance of emotions occurring as a result of separation, divorce, home search, job loss, and financial constraints. I knew I needed to keep it together and push forward if not for myself, for my beautiful girls. I'm happy to share with you all that I am in a much better place. I have finally arrived at a place of mostly peace in my mind.
I finally feel like I can breathe.
Now that I've gotten the preface out of the way, let's get into what today really means to me. Today it has been FOUR YEARS since I broke up with cancer. If you've followed my journey up to this point, you know that my particular diagnosis is considered cured at the five year mark. YALL, I'M 80% OF THE WAY THERE!!!! Did I think I would make it this far? No, and let me tell you why. I am and continue to be an anomaly in many things both large and small. I still live in doubt that cancer is going to poke it's ugly head at me. However, it is not just my physical and mental health that I feel accomplished about. It is all the UGLY that has happened since I've been cancer free.
Women, DO NOT FEEL LIKE YOU'VE FAILED because you are divorced.
DIVORCE: Divorce is never unicorns and rainbows. Divorce divides families. It affects children. It takes a toll on everyone involved, but I'm here to tell you that it is not the end of the world. Divorce is not something that you should be ashamed of. Women (actually everyone), DO NOT FEEL LIKE YOU'VE FAILED because you are divorced. Many women, myself included, pour their whole souls into finding solutions to problems, but it requires an equal effort, willingness, and awareness to come to resolutions. I'll be the first to admit that my outcome could have been different had I recognized that I needed therapy years ago. However, life deals its cards in strange ways and we play the game the best we can with the hand we are dealt. I'm proud of the effort Jimmy and I have put in post divorce. We prioritize our girls. We are able to sit down at a table to enjoy dinners together. Our families can still connect and communicate without any friction. We are showing each other and the world that life can function without hate and anger. I'm thankful for the 10 years we built together and that I am alive to be able to co-parent with him as our girls grow up. I'm glad that we can stand out from the rest.
Pictured Below: Our Post Divorce Summer Vacation
I won't go into detail about the other crazy events of the last two years (maybe I will carve out some time to make another post), but I will end with these few words. Don't spew negativity out in the world. Everyone is going through something in their lives whether it's on display to the public or not. Choose kindness over hate. Have compassion for others that may not be as privileged as you are. Don't stay mad because you never know when you'll take your last breath. Tell the ones you love how much they mean to you. Lastly, live life in gratitude. A thankful heart will serve you much better than an angry one. Thank you for making it this far through my toilet reading. Sharing my story with you all has help me in more ways that I'll be able to express. Love yall! Time to go celebrate love with one of my favorite couples! Congrats Nathan and Vy!
P.S. Happy 4 Year Cancerversary to me!