2 Years Later

Hi Virtual World,

I know I have been a bit MIA from the blog for sure, but also from socializing in general. Those that know me on a personal level have probably noticed that I've taken a step back from social media outside of my daily affirmations and motivation in my stories. This year I am recognizing the amount of growth I have experienced in the last two years. I have also recognized how cancer has affected me in the long run. Below I'm going to share with you all a free writing essay I wrote for a medical study I'm participating in. The purpose of the study is to analyze the thoughts, feelings, and emotions of cancer patients throughout their journey especially during this pandemic. Let me give you a little preface of what was going on before I wrote this short blurb. There has been a lingering intermittent pain in my left breast. My left breast was on the affected breast during cancer. The pain initially started when I was reaching for things up high like my clothes or putting dishes away in the cabinets. It went away after a couple of weeks and returned a little while later, but it was now present when I was in a resting state. This was very unusual. Water coming down from my shower head would now make me feel uncomfortable. I reported this symptom to my oncologist and we began going through the motions to eliminate the possibility of cancer returning. She ordered imaging and then began the scanxiety. The words below were written while I was in the waiting room for my imaging.

"Life in remission but not being classified as "cured." I spend life really tuning in to my body's symptoms. Every little pain or abnormality automatically rings "cancer" in my head. Call it paranoia, call it PTSD, whatever it is, it sucks. It hovers over your head even when things appear to be "perfect" in life. We have worked so hard to get to this point and as I sit in this waiting room waiting for more imaging, I'm reminded of the moment I did this when I KNEW I had cancer. The unknown feels far worse than the known. I've been dealing with an intermittent pain in my chest, more specifically under my left breast near my rib cage. Over the last day, a new pain arises on the top center portion of my right breast. The pain is in no way unbearable physically but occasionally becomes unbearable mentally. How do I deal with life in remission? Does this die down like heart break does? Do I heal as time passes? I live life without regret. That was something I did even before cancer became a part of my life, but it holds more meaning now. No day is guaranteed. Covid has not affected my mentality on life but rather it has made me grateful that I was not undergoing treatment during a pandemic. I have so much empathy for the patients fighting their battle during a pandemic. It has made me realize how selfish society as a whole can be. Cancer helped me see how differently everyone responds to me as a patient. How they worry, what their thought process is, how they don't take time with me for granted. Relieving stress is done by drinking and through writing. Drinking helps me relax the nerves and writing helps me process my thoughts that accumulate. I find myself not ready to go down the cancer road again. Although I feel confident I can handle whatever life throws at me, I am dreading the idea that I would have to get back in the ring with cancer." - written Jan 29, 2021

Reading that again today, I still feel a lot of those same feelings. I read back over my blog occasionally to see what type of personal growth I have made over the last two years. I've done a lot of self reflection. I've made more active efforts to make an impact in this world, not just to people that I know, but more so strangers. I often think about the eulogies that will be spoken at my funeral. What do I want people to remember me by? I truly value the friendships I have made in life and I value each of their role in my life today. Some people were only meant to be with you for a brief moment. Maybe it was to teach you who NOT to be friends with? Maybe it was to show you what qualities you DON'T want in people in your inner circle? Whatever the case may be, I give thanks to each individual whose path has crossed mine. Without all the shitty people in the world, you would never recognize the real gems. I have a basket full of beautiful rare gems that I love with all my being. Thank you to each of you for keeping me whole. Without your unconditional love, I would not have been able to survive all of life's hurdles.

This year I decided that I was going to work towards even more positive growth in myself. I wanted to create new habits that would allow me to have a healthier lifestyle and ultimately do things for ME. I've spent a great deal of my life always concerned and taking care of others. I've always made time for self care and doing things that I love, but I've never really analyzed what would give me long term happiness. I've been living for happiness in the moment. Goal number 1 for the year was to not shop on Amazon anymore. That was a stretch coming from a gal that had boxes showing up at her doorstep multiple times a day. I'm happy to report that I have only placed 4 orders since January 1. The long term benefit of this small change is more financial freedom. I want to be debt free with the exception of the house and pool before years end. I paid off my car earlier this year and have to actively stop myself from car shopping because I like new shiny things. Haha. I also decided that I was going to do a dry February in an effort to drop some more weight. I have now been without alcohol for 36 days. I haven't lost any weight, but I do feel better in general. As a distraction to being sober, I decided take the first step to a more active lifestyle. My cancer sister Diane has been following my journey for a few months now after our paths crossed. She is an amazing coach for Beachbody and has taken me under her wing to hold me accountable for the goals I've set. Having a coach has been the difference in any fitness regimen I have tried previously. Before I was fighting with myself and making excuses as to why I SHOULDN'T go to the gym. Knowing that someone is in my corner and checking in to make sure I'm pushing myself, has gotten me out of bed every morning for 23 days now. I have been working out every weekday since February 4. This is HUGE for me. I have never stuck to anything related to fitness for longer than 3 weeks and even then I wasn't consistent. I now crave the progress. I crave the sore muscles because I know that means change is happening and my hard work is paying off. I have noticed significant improvements in my lower back pain and my posture is so much better. My neck and shoulders are not as tense being on the computer all day for work. It's not just about my weight, but about my whole body feeling better. I'm not shooting for a goal weight or number. I'm proud of the 20 pounds I have lost over the last year. It has taken 2 years for me to finally FEEL pretty again. You all have been so sweet with your words of encouragement, but I haven't felt it internally in so long. It's truly refreshing to feel comfortable in my own skin with all my imperfections. It's another step towards happiness for MYSELF.

As you know, all the good comes with a downside. Sobriety has the most challenging downsides of all the good things (hopefully habits) that I'm putting in place. Sobriety has left me alone with my thoughts more often than I am used to. I have started questioning all different aspects of my life searching for what hinders me from feeling the happiness I desire. I went down the rabbit hole of thoughts and let me tell you it was not pretty. It left me feeling very vulnerable, very unstable, and not in control. The first 2 weeks of February were the most difficult. I was going through huge emotional extremes. Things that not even in my most "traumatic" situations did I ever experience. These feelings and emotions were beginning to bleed into my daily life by affecting my patience with the girls and people in general. My sleep routine was deteriorating rapidly. Things that usually helped me relieve my stress was bringing on more instability. Maybe it was because I was processing difficult things that did not have a clear path to resolve. At this point, I identified that I wasn't able to bring myself back to equilibrium without help. If you've read my blog up to this point, you've probably noticed that I do not like asking for help. I am extremely independent and do not like bothering people. I had to step out of my comfort zone during treatment and allow people to come together to be there for me so I could focus on healing. However, the help that I need now is not because I am physically weak, it is because I am mentally drained and lost. I have always been an advocate for therapy and counseling. I know that having a third party analyze a situation from outside the box can provide so much insight. Someone outside can see the event unfold without an emotional investment. This is what I need in this moment. This was the moment that I decided to find a therapist to help me unravel this web of thoughts I was so lost in.

There is a stigma in Asian culture to needing help especially someone like a therapist. I'm here to tell all of you that THERE IS NOTHING WRONG WITH THERAPY. There is something very wrong with feeling like you have to internalize a vast amount of emotion without a healthy outlet. It is this cycle that leads to so many mental health issues. The word "mental health" should not turn you off. It is something that each and every one of us deals with every day, but we may not talk about it. Do you find yourself ashamed of the feelings that you have? Maybe that shame you feel makes you embarrassed to share to even your closest friends/family. Some of us deal with these stresses with various defense mechanisms. I didn't realize that I was drinking to suppress feelings. I just felt that "I could really use a drink" not ever questioning why. Now that I didn't have alcohol, there was nothing numbing the feelings temporarily. I won't go into detail how my sessions with the therapist went, but I now can share from experience that it is totally worth it.

You guys following along probably see me as a strong woman and mother that is able to overcome such a major challenge in life. I do absolutely agree that I am resilient and I am able to find the silver lining to just about anything. I am thankful I was able to recognize that what I was feeling in this moment would be best with assistance from an outsider. If you take away anything from today's post, please take this. Do not EVER feel embarrassed to seek help. Whether the help starts with a close friend, family member, an anonymous hotline, or a therapist, you should always reach out. How many times have we seen people go through their problems alone and end up taking their life over it? What if we stopped shaming people for needing help and really offering a safe space for them to share? How good would that make you feel to know that you helped your friend when they were in need? I know I feel this every day when my friends tell me "they really needed that." Check on your loved ones. So many of us are fighting a silent battle. If you feel alone and need to talk, REACH OUT TO ME. I promise I won't bite or judge. I will listen and if you want my thoughts on the matter, I will offer them to you. I want to help normalize therapy with my story. Even the "strongest" people need a hand sometimes.

Thank you for 2 years of support. I apologize in advance if this post seems all over the place. It is truly a representation of the shit show going on in my mind. I felt compelled to touch base when I realized what a significant day it was. I hope that my posts still radiate a positive message that can be applied to each of your lives in some shape or form. I want to continue writing to pay it forward and give back to you all. I want to help people through their darkest moments even if it's just a momentary glimmer of light. Don't feel like you have to go through life alone. We need to be here for each other. Take the first step and reach out. Love you all!

-Christie

P.S. Here is a quick gallery that shows the physical changes I went through over the last 2 years.

• Photo 1 is right before chemo,

• Photo 2 is half way through chemo

• Photo 3 is the end of chemo

• Photo 4 is at the 1 year since diagnosis

• Photo 5 is 1.5 years since diagnosis

• Photo 6 is 2 years since diagnosis