Hey Virtual World!
It's been a little under a year since we last connected. To be completely honest, I think I was simply at a loss for words. I had a lot to be grateful for, but felt like I was overwhelmed, drowning in my desire to be in a more financially secure position. I found myself constantly planning ways to make ends meet without going back down the rabbit hole of consumer debt. I'm happy to share that I have figured out a temporary solution that keeps me above water until a better solution arises. Enough of the "Why" I haven't updated you all on my life. Let's chat about "Why" I felt inclined to connect again.
For those of you that have followed my journey this far, you may remember me mentioning the magic number of 5. Five years is the finish line to feel confident that this cancer is something I can consider a part of my past. For the last few years, I always used August 12, 2019 as the date to start that clock. However, at my last routine oncology appt, I learned that it should be my date of diagnosis, March 8, 2019. So what does that mean y'all?!
I am cured of my Triple Negative Breast Cancer!!!
I am cured of my Triple Negative Breast Cancer!!! I dreamed of being able to say those words. I prayed that I would survive to say that I beat the disease that tried to kill me. However, I let the official day of March 8, 2024 come and go as if it didn't mean anything to me. Maybe I was scared to say it out loud or possibly just still processing that it is my reality. I do not feel as elated as I envisioned.
I may be cured of the cancer I once had, but I have not been cured of the parts of me that hurt throughout this journey. I'm discovering trauma that I didn't know existed. It's as if my body and mind healing creates space for things I suppressed to resurface. Cancer may not be present in my body, but I see it infiltrating the body of people I know. Every time I hear that news, my heart sinks. I immediately feel that knot in my stomach because I know exactly what those moments feel like. One minute you're living life on auto pilot and the next you're imagining it all coming to an end in the blink of an eye.
Since my diagnosis, I felt obligated to give my all into kicking cancer's ass. It wasn't only for my family, my friends, and myself. It was for the ones I loved that lost their battles. I want to fight in their honor and live out the days they couldn't. Should I be carrying that weight? Is that weight lifting me up or weighing me down? Either way, it's what my heart feels is right and I hope you (Roy and Di Thu) are proud of my efforts. You both hold special places in my heart.
I want to take a moment to honor my late aunt, Di Thu. She was my maternal aunt that was the first in my family to have cancer. It was my lack of accurate information about her diagnosis that prompted my doctor to recommend genetic testing in search of a mutation that could put me at risk. Although, they didn't find the BRCA mutation, they did find the Lynch mutation. The results of this test changed my life forever. I was in my 20s visiting doctors and doing preventative imaging more than my parents. She indirectly saved my life by bringing the risk to light. Early detection saved my life. The second way she helped me in this journey was when she was faced with her 2nd recurrence. It happened in coincidence with other unfavorable events. When I heard of recurrence, I knew I was going to get cancer. It was an overwhelmingly strong premonition that couldn't be chalked up as paranoia. I immediately shared that with my mom and she was alarmed and told me to stop manifesting it. It helped prepare me for that possibility and in hindsight, I was more prepared than I realized to receive my diagnosis. From the way my Dr. hugged me when she ordered my STAT MRI, to officially receiving the results and carefully taking notes, and holding on to this news to tell my family all at once (after their spring break vacations); I was still high functioning and mindful of others feelings ahead of my own. Thank you, Di Thu, for being a part of how I coped with cancer. I'm so sorry that you lost your battle with cancer, but I'm happy that you are no longer in pain.
Let's shift the mood a bit. I have been feeling a bit out of sorts and anxious which is very uncharacteristic of me. I feel like I've been in survival mode and existing to complete the tasks I need to without taking time to slow down for myself. I haven't had a getaway to decompress. I haven't had any self care days and the trip I was looking forward to most this year was tainted with me being bedridden sick the entire time. I was feeling defeated and simply exhausted. In an effort to get out of this funk, I obliged to events to help me connect with people. To be completely honest, I was in no mood to do so and really had to hype myself up to follow through with these commitments. I felt like I was doing myself and this HUGE milestone a disservice by not celebrating. So what did do? I booked at photo session with Miso Fotography. Why you may ask? Because I have never once left her studio feeling less than beautiful. Sandra has a radiant energy about her that she pours into you and into her work. I needed to FEEL uplifted. I need to SEE and DOCUMENT this milestone and not keep brushing it aside. Here are the results:
I could not be happier with the results. They capture exactly what I am feeling. When I look at these portraits, I see confidence, confidence that I have taken back the beauty that cancer stole. I see vulnerability, the fear that still exists about a different cancer coming back and disappointing all that have supported me. I see joy, joy in the fact that I SURVIVED!! I see optimism, the kind that makes me feel that the best days are yet to come.
The universe knew I needed to find someone similar to myself...
Speaking of better days, these last 11 days have been some of the most transforming days in recent history. In a time where I felt scattered, frustrated, and consumed with more negative energy than I'd care to admit, the world did it's magic. The universe knew I needed to find someone similar to myself, someone that gives me the words of encouragement that I often provide to others. The openness and love that I share with the world, I didn't realize I needed myself. They say you project what you want for yourself on to others as an act of service, but why is it that we often times don't receive it back in that form? I am surrounded by the love of many, but I always felt a vacancy. I couldn't articulate what that looked like. Hell, I can't even articulate what I'm trying to say now. All I know is it I knew what was missing when I felt this energy and connection almost immediately after meeting her. Lmao, this sounds like some romantic love story, but it is not that. Although, I'm not going to lie, it could be a great story/movie to write. This feeling was reaffirmed by our interactions and other spiritual events over the last eleven days. So who is this her? Her name is Mai-Anh and she's the owner/founder of Auraura House. She is a woman of service and does amazing things to support our community, but let's talk about who she is to me. For me, she is the voice of encouragement I need, the reminder to myself to take the advice I so easily give, and the cheerleader that is missing because I have built myself up on my own self criticisms. She reminds me that every thing that is meant for me will arrive at just the right moments. She reminds me and the world that we deserve to be loved and more importantly to love ourselves. So thank you, Mai-Anh, for arriving at just the right moment. I cannot wait to see what the future holds now that we are connected. What I am sure of is it will be fucking awesome!
Note to Self: Write a post about the Raava Retreat and how it helped me reset and feel renewed.
I'd like to close out this post with a reminder to us all. Do not hold back on love. Show the people you love most how much they mean to you. Tomorrow is never promised and living with "what ifs" will certainly weigh you down. Trust your intuition and choose things that bring you joy. Talk to someone when you're feeling blue, because I assure you that your loved ones do not want you to feel alone. As I begin to navigate life after this cancer, I will still err on the side of caution because of my other risks. However, I am committed to learning to absorb, accept, embrace, and find gratitude in what exists now. I'm so thankful to be alive and I'm so thankful to have such special people by my side. Love yall!