The Effects of Anticipation

So those of you that know me personally, know that I am an extremely task oriented and problem solving personality. With that being said, having such a life altering diagnosis thrown at me just twelve days ago is making me go into (for a lack of better words) super planning mode. The initial tasks that immediately come to mind are:

• Will, Medical and Durable Power of Attorney, Medical Directives

• A family photo session before the effects of treatment (hair loss, fatigue) set in

• How can I use this diagnosis to positively impact the world?

• Preparing my family for me NEEDING help with the kids, getting dinner on the table, and life in general and accepting help from friends

• Proactively getting my appointments and testing completed ASAP

I'm happy to report to you all that I have completed almost everything on this list in just the last 7 days. A friend of mine is an attorney and was able to draw up all the docs I would need the same day I sent him an email about my now emergent need to have this in place. Shout out to KP for making that task so easy. Our friends DP & HL were able to shoot our family session with just 24 hour notice at Menil a week ago. Pictures of this session and the prep to come later. Thank you to you both for being so accommodating and having the final product ready just a few days for the virtual world to enjoy.

Sneak Peak from our family session on March 12, 2019

Next on the list is how can spin this C A N C E R into a positive event. The number one way for me was starting this blog. I hope to reach people that are in a dark place and let them know that they aren't alone. We are in a world where both suicide and mental health issues are on the rise. It is so dangerous for people to feel alone, but the perception of what "societal norms" are making so many feel ashamed of their current situations. Please don't allow yourself to be embarrassed about life's hardships. These hardships are roots that are being planted that will allow you to grow into something so much greater once you get passed it. I hope you can find an outlet for your emotions or find a support system that you feel comfortable sharing with. If not, send me a message here and I will be happy to offer a place of confidentiality and words of encouragement for you. The second way to turn this diagnosis into something that helps humanity just occurred yesterday. Yesterday, I was able to get into a clinical trial at the world renowned M D Anderson Cancer Center. Through the study I am participating in, I am able to help advance research by way of labs, imaging, and testing of the actual tumor. I have all the possible treatment plans available if the recommended treatment for my cancer is not effective. There is a back up plan in place. This is a true "two birds with one stone" scenario and it allows me to be selfish and selfless simultaneously. The Asian demographic would consider this extremely efficient. Hahaha. All jokes aside, I have been uplifted by this opportunity to feel like I've done all I can to have better odds. The rest is up to my doctors and I trust that they will take me down the right path through this journey. Special thanks to AM for really being bossy in her message to me to come back from my "Chemo moon" early. Stay tuned for a future post about my 36 hour Chemo Moon.

"Feeling vulnerable, nervous, and anxious were not a part of my life before cancer. "

The hardest item on the list is " A C C E P T I N G H E L P . " I don't mean to sound like a broken record, but I will use the phrase "If you know me personally" a lot in this blog. The first reason is I feel that strangers will eventually stumble upon my ramblings and they obviously do not have personal connection with me. They can only assume how I am as an individual from my writing. So back to what this paragraph is about, accepting help. I am usually the one that reaches out to help others. People often come to me with their problems and I try my best to provide them with a solution or a direction to move towards. Not many people know what problems I have in my own life because I usually work through them myself. Feeling vulnerable, nervous, and anxious were not a part of my life before cancer. It has been a real adjustment to have these emotions make an appearance everyday. Even when I suggest help from my siblings, I'm thinking about how it will affect their regular routine. I know in my heart they are willing and able to give, but I can't find a way to turn off the burden or the inconvenience I feel it will be. I need to keep practicing saying "Y E S" to the help without thinking especially since a lot of it is being offered and I'm not asking. My suggestions are more in response to their questions about what help I need. I've never thought about needing help before. Where do I even begin? I think this will be better once I start treatments and can test my body's limits throughout my regular routine. Don't worry, I will not push through and make it difficult. I just want to know how long it takes before I get tired and which things I don't feel I can do without assistance or a break. Thank you in advance to all my family and friends that have been so encouraging and offered your time. Time is priceless in this world we live in and I am really feeling your love for me.

A huge part of the last twelve days have been scheduling appointments for all the orders my doctors have given me. I have stopped physically examining the affected breast for my own sanity. Every time I have, it is noticeably larger than the last time. This is also not a figment of my imagination. My doctors have confirmed my suspicions at every visit. I know that's a Debbie Downer for sure, but this is not currently in my control. Sharing the rapid growth with the family makes them feel just as anxious as I am to do something to stop this cancer. However, the reality of it is there are people who are sicker than I am, and every facility has procedures and coding in place to prioritize the right patients. I would hate to jump in front of a person that is in worse condition than me. My doctors on the other hand are using their resources in scheduling to help prioritize my radiology orders. I'm thankful for the efforts that everyone is putting in to create a sense of urgency. I really do feel like I'm in great hands.

In closing, the most bizarre thought currently going through my mind is that I am voluntarily admitting myself for treatments when I currently feel normal. From the outside, I am a healthy woman in my 30s. Every medical employee that sees me has a different assumption to why I'm there until they see my chart. My chart immediately changes their demeanor towards me. Many of them are my age and they are so empathetic to what's going on. Their empathy has been sincere and it has helped make these visits more tolerable and positive. They are all a part of the effort in my care. Every patient registration person, imaging scheduler, radiology tech, RN, MA, PA, NP, and MD are playing their part in this journey and I am so grateful this team. Even though they are not colleagues, they are a part of M Y T E A M!

The take away from this: Do not leave anything on the back burner, keep your tasks up to date especially your health. Be honest on your medical history forms and if there are unknowns, find out the answers. Those answers may be the trigger for a doctor much like my OB GYN who suggested I take a genetic blood panel. Without that discovery, I would not be under the watch of so many physicians. Don't prioritize only your family's health because remember that without you, the family doesn't work the same. You have to be present. You want to be present. So CHOOSE to be present by caring about yourself.

P.S. You are NEVER too young for life insurance, drawing a will, or power of attorneys. In case of an expected event, your family will be thankful knowing what you wanted.