Good morning Virtual Supporters!
There is so much excitement and anticipation of the end of chemotherapy! After last Monday, there will only be TWO more. Over the last 4.5 months, I have endured hours of chemotherapy, countless doctors visits, dozens of imaging and scans, and lord knows how many blood draws. Even after all of this, I still say "It's all so worth it." All of this is worth fighting for a life with my family and friends.
Even after all of this, I still say "It's all so worth it."
Over the last week and a half, my blood pressure has been slightly elevated. It's been elevated along the same level as it was when this journey first started. Upon doing a psycho analysis of myself, I have come to the conclusion that my elevated BP is likely due to the anticipation of the surgical part of the process. Going into all of this, my mind was set on either having a lumpectomy or a double mastectomy. I really never considered the option of a single mastectomy. The most obvious reason for me was that my OCD tendencies would likely kill me due to the lack of symmetry a single mastectomy would give me. I would be a uni-boober in my 30s, a time of my life where I am still very self conscious about my body. To be honest, I don't know if I will ever not be critical of my body. I realize there are much more important things to focus on, but the confidence that an aesthetically appealing body gives me is a large part what makes me FEEL like a woman. Cancer must not take away that feeling. My initial adversities with a lumpectomy was that I would have to endure radiation in addition to already doing chemotherapy. Chemotherapy has been energy draining enough and to think I would need to go to the doctor for radiation five times a week for several weeks mentally exhausts me. If removing the breasts would eliminate my need for radiation, I was on board with that.
However, my thought process changed a bit after finding out more information from all my doctors and counselor. The genetic counselor specifically explained how my genetic mutation of PMS2 affects me in future years both related and unrelated to the cancer I have currently. She explained no matter which of the three surgical options I chose, it does not affect my survival rate and only slightly changes the chance of recurrence. She reiterated that the procedure I chose should just be based on my preference and what I felt was the right one for me. Clinically there is no reason to push me towards one more than another. Unfortunately for me, there is still not enough data that shows that this mutation causes breast cancer. There is simply an apparent correlation. At this point, I'm still leaning towards a double mastectomy because that would eliminate the need to do mammograms/MRIs every six months. Since there are no scans, there is no "SCAN-XIEXTY." What is scan-xiety you may ask? It is that dreadful waiting period afterwards where you are praying to your god of choice that the results are negative. My family history is also plagued with cancer on both maternal and paternal sides of the family. So even though the medical world does not have enough data, I feel like I have enough negative data within my family to make me want to remove the boobs that are trying to kill me.
SEEING the worse case helps me make my decision
My next appointment was with my breast surgeon who thoroughly explained the pros and cons of each procedure with visuals. Let me tell you, the visuals of these procedures are pretty horrendous. I am grateful to her for showing me the uncensored and uncut photos of real patients because SEEING the worse case helps me make my decision. In an ideal world, I would love to do the less invasive lumpectomy that also salvages the natural breasts I have now, but that means we are for sure doing radiation. My doctor calls radiation "the gift that keeps on giving." What she meant by that is that you cannot plan for how the radiation will affect your breast over the years. She showed me patients immediately after completion of radiation and every year after (1-5). Some of the women's breasts had dramatically shrunk in size by year five. Personally, I don't feel comfortable with such an ongoing unknown and again the lack of symmetry. I asked Dr. L if she saw any medical reason why I shouldn't do a double mastectomy and if wanting that was unreasonable. She responded stating it is statistically common for young, healthy women to opt for a double mastectomy. Our bodies are still resilient to recover from such an invasive surgery and we have at least a few decades left to enjoy our bodies. She says it is less common for older women as they are trying to have a procedure that disrupts their life the least. Dr. L did throw me a slight curve ball though. In the beginning we did two different lymph node biopsies to properly stage my cancer. Both, thankfully, came back negative. She said one week prior to surgery, she would do another lymph node biopsy to ensure there are no micro cancer cells floating around. A positive biopsy with these micro demon cells would mean radiation is in the treatment plan now which means I'm back to the drawing board for what my surgical plan will be. *face palm*
The last doctor I had to meet with was the doctor that would make me feel whole again, the plastic surgeon. I want to start by saying that my plastic surgeon's office had a spa vibe to it and not so morbid and medical like most doctors offices. This is a bit of a change for me considering how much I visit doctors. The patient room had a couch in it with an amazing view of the memorial area. I feel like little things that emphasize comfort and cleanliness make me have more confidence in the practice overall. It also helps to calm the nerves too. The surgeon started with a physical exam to assess what surgical options I would be a candidate for. He proceeded with a clear and concise PowerPoint presentation with visuals about each option. Based on the presentation, I selected to move forward with the DIEP flap procedure for reconstruction. It is a reconstruction process that uses my own tissue, fat, and skin from my abdomen to "build" new breasts from after Dr. L removes my existing ones. Because it is my own tissue versus foreign matter being placed in my body, there is less risk of complications and rejection. The procedure itself is very labor intensive and will take approx 6-8 hours to complete. The doctor is literally taking a piece from my belly, creating a boob, and reconnecting the extracted piece's blood vessels to vessels in my chest to make sure the tissue has a blood supply. The first inappropriate questions that come to mind are "How does he not pee during that whole time? If he does this often, does he have bladder issues? Is he going to wear a diaper like Lexy and Cristina did on Grey's Anatomy?" After drawing my attention back to why we were here, I asked how would a positive lymph node biopsy affect my options for reconstruction. His response was that it would significantly reduce the options and that we would re discuss that if we needed to go down that road. So I'm asking all of my virtual and real life supporters to draw your positive energy towards me and hope that the lymph node biopsy comes back negative for demon cancer cells because that means I get a new rack!
being idle at home...will definitely be the most difficult part
There are a couple of downsides to the DIEP flap. The first one is the large incision that goes across my whole abdomen. I'm praying that the reputation of the surgeon means I will be left with minimal scarring. The second is the six to eight week recovery time. Although the latter is standard for any surgery, I just hate not being able to play with my kids and being idle at home. That will definitely be the most difficult part for a busy body like me and because I haven't significantly slowed down during cancer's visit. On a side note, I asked if I could get implants and do the DIEP flap and I was mega excited about his answer. He said, "If more projection or fullness is what you desire, we can talk about an additional reconstruction procedure to add implants. However, this would be about 3 months after your first surgery." I've never heard wanting a bigger rack sound so professional. Haha. Anyhow, the key words in his response were that it was still a part of the reconstruction which means it is billing through the insurance. WOOT! Oh and a bonus item is that he is able to remove my small ugly belly button hernia during this surgery too. MEGA EFFICIENT!
Now that we have gotten the medical stuff out of the way. I wanted to share with you some moments that really helped me feel "normal" over the last couple of months. I was able to take my first major trip since my diagnosis to celebrate my mother's 70th birthday. Those of you that know me personally, know that I love hiring photographers when I travel to help capture memories that include me. As a mom, I am usually the one taking photos of the kids and never have the opportunity to be photographed outside of selfies. With my massive amount of weight gain, selfies ARE NOT flattering at the moment. After searching on Instagram hashtags for photographers, I decided Aria Studios of Honolulu was a great fit and value. Since the purpose of the session was to document this milestone birthday for my mom with most of her children/grandchildren, I decided that wearing one of my wigs would be the best way to not draw attention to myself. However, I couldn't help but to take advantage of having a professional capture a few shots to document my journey. I hope you enjoy seeing a little glimpse of my amazing family.
I feel comfort when hearing words of encouragement from other survivors
Thank you all for all the continued words of encouragement. It has truly helped me on the "gloomy days." I am never really sad or depressed, but the feeling seems to be more emotionless (not in my usual "I don't have feelings" kind of way). Maybe the best way to describe it is an emotional plateau. I find myself fighting the guilt I have not being as jovial as everyone else is for me, but I guess it's a part of the process. I feel comfort when hearing words of encouragement from other survivors. It must the feeling that they know exactly what it's like to be in my shoes. With the weather being extremely hot lately, I have been wearing my head wraps less. This is when I get random encounters with survivors. While on the bus in Hawaii, a woman said to me "I'm 10 years in remission. Be strong." An older woman in the grocery store that I thought was asking me to move came up to me and said, "God called for me to speak to you. I want to tell you that you can do this and you will beat it. I too am a survivor." We live in a world full of negativity and we need moments like these to restore our faith in humanity.
If you find yourself in a dark place, please do not surround yourself with negativity. Allow those that want to support you and root for you in. You do not have to go through it alone. If you don't feel those people exist, I assure you they do. If you're just not comfortable doing so, reach out to me! I am never too busy to listen. I do not want anyone to feel like there is no one in their corner. So I ask that we all be more mindful of one another. Check on your friends and remind them that you are there because we don't want them to be a part of the growing suicide statistics. Signing off on this Friday night. I hope you all have a wonderful weekend!