*waving erratically* HELLO WORLD!!!
First off, I would like to say that these last four weeks have been the most idle I have been in a VERY LONG TIME. I almost feel like I've been abducted and my glimmer of hope is going on errands with Jimmy. I know that sounds dramatic, but what I would consider boring errands are now a treat. *face palm* I have been able to do most things myself like shower without assistance, walk through a grocery store without having to take a break, and work from home even for most of the day without requiring a nap everyday.
However, driving has not been on the list of "Things I'm able to do" until yesterday. I definitely have guilt about Jimmy having to use his free time to watch me like a third child. He has a million things to do, but has to be concerned about me having food to eat and the girls routine. Since I can't drive, he has no relief and doesn't want to continue to put the burden on my parents. It has definitely affected his patience threshold with the kids. I think what is happening is that I use up his patience throughout the day and he just doesn't have any left for the kids when they get home. This is exactly how I felt after coming home from work before. So, I totally get it. This is a reminder about how blessed we are to still be together and to still be a team, though I have spent much of the last 2 months on the bench. One positive outcome is that I now enjoy the time that Jimmy is forced to spend with me. I can't speak for him, but I love our random lunches after errands and our Grey's Anatomy marathons after the kids go to bed. These small things are what I consider gifts of cancer.
These small things are what I consider gifts of cancer
In other grateful news, my parents have stepped up to the plate tremendously. My dad walks Addison to the bus stop every morning Jimmy has to go to work and then takes Ailee to school for me. My mom is up at the crack of dawn preparing the whole family breakfast and helping to get the kids ready for school. This recovery would have been IMPOSSIBLE without my parents. They even come over on their nights off to bring us a home cooked meal. Jimmy's parents have also been very supportive and spending dinners at home with us. Our girls are seeing his family more and it's creating a stronger bond with every opportunity. Our gratitude and appreciation for this massive support eff. rt is greater than ever. I have even reconnected with childhood friends, friends from my college years, and just friends that I have met somewhere along the way. Women that I haven't spoken to in over a decade have reached out and have made an effort to come visit. This just goes to show that even without a physical connection present, that you can still "touch" individuals. I'm so happy to be able to tell my story and to connect with my past to bring them into my present. These are more gifts of cancer.
So I'm sure you all wish that it was all unicorns and rainbows for me, but I'm sad to report that there are some SMALL bothersome things that seem like BIG things in my life right now. This is likely because I don't have anything interesting going on in my life to distract me. First annoyance is the fact that I have had to wear a bra 24 hours a day for the last almost 8 weeks. CAN ANY WOMAN IMAGINE HAVING TO WEAR A BRA FOR THAT LONG?!? I mean my goodness, the first thing I do when I come home from work is take that bra off. The only relief I get is when I take a shower. Naturally, my showers have been longer than usual. I keep fighting with my globally conscious mind about countries without safe drinking water while continuing to shower. So I would like to formally apologize for wasting excessive amounts of water, but my showers have been my getaway from my dreaded bra. Once I finish up my reconstruction revision and maybe get a boob job, I will be saying "Sayonara" to bras forever until gravity takes over again. Hahaha.
...showers have been my getaway from my dreaded bra
The second annoyance which is actually more sad than annoying, is the lack of affection my kids show me now. I have been off limits for so long that they simply don't interact with me much. Yesterday, I was cleared by my surgeon to be able to physically pick up the littlest as long as there was no pressure from her laying on my chest. I put my arms out for the first time in 8 weeks to hold her and she responded, "Ailee to heavy." I reassured her that I could hold her and she insisted that she was too heavy and that I was still hurting. I was still hurting alright, but it was hurt coming from the inside. I was elated to find out that I was able to embrace my kids and pick them up to sit on my lap only to be rejected the first time. Moments like these make you realize how much can change in such a short amount of time. I have to figure out how to reverse what Ailee has programmed in her brain. I have to almost reteach her to want to come to me when she's upset. DOH! I am lucky that Addison is able to understand me through verbal communication. She misses snuggling with me at night and our daily bath routine, but she is satisfied hugging my bottom half and holding my hand. I tried to mentally prepare myself before surgery for the lack of physical affection I would be able to show, but I didn't think about how it would change their behavior towards me.
Though I feel like a prisoner in my own home, I never wanted my kids to feel that way. I figured they would be able to be handle weekends at home with me since they spend 5 days a week away from home. Unfortunately, I was wrong about that. Addison recently began to show the same signs of restlessness I was experiencing. She told me that she feels like we don't do anything anymore and that she understands why, but it still makes her sad. Weeknights after school are comprised of a strict routine of afternoon snacks, homework, dinner, a bath, and then wind down time before bed. There are just not enough hours in the day and with her extremely slow eating to do anything else. My heart was breaking for her because I couldn't drive her anywhere when Jimmy was working. I just had to do my best to entertain her with what we had at home. She missed her cousins, she missed our weekend activities, and most of all she missed what she considered her "normal life." I know my family tried their best to spend time here, but they have lives and commitments of their own. It's hard to stop your own routine even if in your heart you wanted to. I felt disconnected and Addison was feeling the same. I'm not sure what happened after I got cancer, but I was seeing my siblings far less than I remember. No longer did we have random dinners or time together on the weekends. Our summer aside from Hawaii was not spent together. I'm really hoping the upcoming holidays will bring us back to life "before cancer" because now the cancer doesn't exist! The last two weeks Jimmy and I have been making an effort to take Addison to do things she wants to do. He has been taking her to Lifetime to swim and she even got to sign up for swimming classes again! We have visited the Pumpkin Patch, went trick or treating, attended her school events, and just spent time OUTSIDE of the home even if it was in someone else's home. I think our efforts are paying off because Addison has not expressed any sadness about it lately. I truly hope that we both can escape this funk as the year comes to an end. I NEED IT TO FOR OUR SAKE.
...we have to help one another through it, through life.
I found a distraction from the chaos of recovery through selling Park Lane Jewelry. Some of you may feel like I'm that sales person that you want to avoid like the plague, but really I am just a person channeling my energy into something that draws my focus away from what I'm dealing with on the health front. I am being proactive and planning for the expenses of my upcoming revision surgeries. I never agreed to a GoFundMe even though I was presented with this idea in the beginning. I wanted to EARN what I needed to go through my journey. I made shirts (which are still available) to sell and also to spread my message to others. I sell Park Lane Jewelry in hopes that when they wear my jewelry, they are reminded of me and my story.
During the month of October, I reached out through social media to collect donations for current breast cancer patients. I purchased pieces of Park Lane Jewelry with these donations and packaged them up for patients that are going through a hard time. I asked my oncologist to give these care packages to patients that tell her they are experiencing a few days of depression or hopelessness as these are the patients that NEED the most encouragement. I was fortunate enough to use writing as coping mechanism and with the support of you all, my mental health was strong throughout these last 6 months. Not every patient has the strength or will power to not allow cancer to dictate their lives and not allow cancer to infiltrate their every thought. Cancer is devastating. Cancer is NOT easy, but we have to help one another through it, through life. We have to come together to lift each other up even if it is just a step at a time. Lead by example, and people will naturally follow. Kindness is contagious and no one ever died from too much of it.
Despite the monotony and repetition of recovery, I am determined to use the cancer I once had (it feels good to be able to use past tense) to bring as much good as I can to the world. Through my writing, I hope to continue to inspire women and men to take care of their health, to keep fighting through those dark days, and to keep being kind to one another. Through my efforts to give back to patients, I want them to know that even though they feel alone, they have people cheering them on and encouraging them to power through. Through my actions everyday, I want to teach my girls that having a clear mind and doing things with purpose will help them overcome whatever obstacle may come their way. They are capable of whatever they put their minds to. Not everyone is capable of beating cancer, but everyone has the ability to change how it affects their lives.
P.S. For anyone that is interested in donating to give back to patients, please message me for details. I will be making care packages for Thanksgiving as I cannot imagine going through treatments during what's supposed to be most jovial time of year. If you'd like to check out what Park Lane Jewelry is, please visit my site at
