Post-Chemo Days = Daze

Hola Amigos!

Tonight, I will go into brief detail of exactly how I've felt over the last 14 days. Let's start with right after the infusion. My sister and I had lunch at Thai Cottage and ran a few errands. This is when I felt my first sign of fatigue while walking around the store. I think it may have been lack of sleep from the night before and all the emotions I have endured so far. We headed back to my moms where I laid down for a nap. Waking up from the nap was a bit uncomfortable. I felt drained and mildly queasy, but I figured that subsequent days may be worse. So I made the most of the evening and went to eat at Benihana with the family.

I didn't have much of an appetite at dinner and it almost felt like I was under the weather, but I couldn't miss out on the excitement of chicken fried rice and the infamous onion volcano. On a side note, the determining factor was really gift cards that were going to expire by the weekend. The Asian in me couldn't let money go to waste like that. LOLZ. The fried rice was kind of disappointing, but thinking back it could have been the first sign of taste changes. The bambinos enjoyed the food and the show which made the effort worthwhile. As a mother, powering through this unfamiliar feeling to take the kids out of the house was a great accomplishment. I want to make an honest attempt at keeping the kids activities and outings as consistent as physically possible for me. Obviously, my health and rest come first, but I can't help but feel guilty when that impedes on their time with me. We called it a night and I went back to my moms to sleep while Jimmy took the girls home.

Cycle 1 Day 2

As I laid in bed, the first thought that came to mind was "Is it morning?" I looked around and saw sunlight outside the window. I had made it through the night without any interruptions (aside of potty breaks). *whew* Now came an unsettling feeling in my gut. It was similar to when I had a problem with ulcers. It's a combination of hunger pains and acid reflux. Needless to say, I was ready to do something to make it go away. Mom made a pot of pho for Big Bao (aka the favorite son) since he arrived this morning and we all know that is one of my LEAST favorite things to eat. With hesitation, I agreed to a bowl of pho because I thought the warm broth would soothe my stomach more quickly so I could take my meds for the day. My goal going into this was to take my anti-nausea around the clock for the first 4 days to not even have to deal with potentially feeling gross. Today would be the true test to see if my plan will work. I finished the whole bowl of pho, took my meds, and was pleased to have instant relief from what I was feeling earlier. I could definitely still feel like I'm not 100%, but it was totally manageable. Throughout the day I felt hungry constantly and no matter how much I consumed, I never felt full. This was so bizarre and I kept on snacking ALL DAY. Eat, sleep, and repeat was basically how the whole day went. Highlight of the day was a special delivery from Jess. It really made my day and the smell of the flowers were soothing throughout the remainder of the week.

Flowers From Jess <3

Cycle 1 Day 3-7

These days were probably the worst of the last 2 weeks. It wasn't like the movies where I was vomiting uncontrollably, but I didn't feel like myself. I couldn't think in complete sentences. My thoughts came as bursts of words. Below are some of the things that did come to mind:

Lethargic, weight gain, hazy, emotionless, lack of concentration, different tastes in food, lack of patience, poor sleepy quality, uselessness, unproductive, guilt

It was a dark time for me. I kept focusing on how unlike myself I was feeling. I wanted to work because I didn't want other's being burdened with my workload. I wanted to get out of bed to clean the house because it looked terrible. I just couldn't muscle up enough energy to do anything aside from eating, sleeping, and going to the restroom. I had to sit while showering or opt to take a bath so I could be seated. I'm paranoid to over wash my hair and have my hair fall out sooner than it needs to. I just need to make it to Ailee's birthday party with hair. I would definitely appreciate it sticking around longer though. That's just wishful thinking. I had a short attention span and was very irritable. All the things that annoy me about others, I was exhibiting myself. I came to realize in the first week that weight loss was not going to be likely. The steroids made me so hungry all the time and I never felt full so I naturally kept eating. It's so strange for my body to just lose the ability to say "enough fatty." I tried my best to be more mindful of my portions during this time, but it was difficult. The more I laid down, the more I felt like I was gaining weight. It was so disappointing to feel this way because I had worked so hard to get down to my pre-pregnancy weight again. I lost 15 lbs last year and now I'm climbing towards the number I was desperately trying to get away from. It still bums me out. I know it's the last thing I should be concerned about, but I can't be rid of the thoughts.

Okay, enough of the depressing stuff. There were lots of positive things that came out of Cycle 1 Days 3-7 and I'm sure you all are anxiously waiting to hear something that gives you some relief about how I'm doing. IT ISN'T ALL THAT BAD. If these last several days are the worst I will feel throughout this whole thing, I WILL BE ECSTATIC!! It has been totally manageable. I have been extremely grateful in these last few weeks. The amount of support my family and I have received from around the world has been amazing. Friends that I have only been able to keep up with via social media, have reached out personally to offer words of encouragement. I've had so many visitors go out of their way to bring me food. We all know, that is like the major highway to my heart. I am so thankful I can still taste food despite some obvious weird changes which I will discuss later. The amount of people that have read my ramblings is also so encouraging. It makes me want to continue writing to share with you all what I'm feeling through all of this. Although, I do wonder if this journey will ever be monotonous and uninteresting for you all at some point. Either way, I'm happy to document it for any future patients that just want a uncensored version of what to possibly expect. I know I've said this time and time again, but thank you to each and everyone one of my supporters. Without you all, I would not have as many positive thoughts to combat the negative ones.

Other positive things are how great something as simple as fresh air and walking make me feel. When I felt extremely tired and wanted to continue laying there, I forced myself to get up and go somewhere to walk. One evening, I chose to walk around the mall for a couple of hours. Granted this walk led to a $300+ shopping spree for the kiddos. That was somewhat counter productive, but I felt great after (about 75% normal). The kids got a lot of essentials for super cheap! I was able to go into the office for short periods of time on Days 5-7, but required an afternoon nap. I even muscled up the energy to go to the Rooftop Cinema after working a half day on Day 7. It was nice to spend some adult time with Jimmy and P Dang without having to talk about me. We just sat in the open air and watched Selena. There is something special about seeing one of my favorites on the big screen.

Rooftop Cinema Showing of Selena

As we were walking out of the cinema to the car, I felt a glimmer of my usual self. I had some pep in me and was thinking how great the familiarity felt at that moment. It was a great night, but the greatness didn't last long. This is also the same night I had my first fever. I was winding down for bed when I couldn't get warm. I was already under 2 blankets, but I couldn't seem to stop feeling cold. I quickly ran to grab the thermometer and monitored my temperature every 20 min for the next hour. My temp went from 98.7 to 100.2 before I decided it was time to call the after hours line. The on call Dr. instructed me to go ahead and start my antibiotic and go in as usual for my labs in the morning. I spent the next 3 hours shivering under the covers until my fever broke around 4am. My body was exhausted, but so grateful that the fever broke enough for me to finally get some rest. Thinking back on that night now, I realize I probably should have asked the Dr. if I could take a fever reducer. I think subconsciously I was worried that I would be intervening with what nature was trying to do. Before cancer, I didn't even take medicine for headaches. I would only take medication when I couldn't physically get out of bed or I was unable to sleep. So naturally I steered away from additional medication not mentioned by the doctor.

Note to self: Ask if I can take fever reducers next time and at what point should I admit myself to the ER.

Cycle 1 Day 8-13

I almost feel like me. The most frustrating part about the previous days is not being able to use my brain to it's full potential. I was a zombie, a robot, and function machine. I only had one output. I felt like I was numb and in a daze for a prolonged period of time. Day 8 was the moment of clarity. I felt refreshed when I got ready for work. I was able to have normal conversations with people and feel emotions again. I'm not talking about serious emotions, just normal ones like laughing, empathy, and enjoying little things again. From that day until today, I felt capable of doing my job not only at work but as a mother and a wife. I felt like I could care for the ones that have been so gracious to care for me. The timing couldn't have been better. Last weekend, everyone in the household was sick. Jimmy and Addison had a stomach bug accompanied with fever and Ailee had a viral cold with fever. This is all happening after my parents have left for vacation and I have a compromised immune system. This was the most challenging obstacle so far. I spent Friday taking care of them and cleaning up around the house. I could tell Jimmy felt bad watching me do it, but I was taking full advantage of my energy level as I was unsure of how long it would last. I sanitized and re sanitized all surfaces everyone touched to protect myself and also to protect them from each other. I wouldn't want any of them to be faced with another illness on top of their existing conditions. It's Day 13 now and everyone including myself is feeling great!

Tomorrow is Cycle 2 Day 1 and I would be lying if I said I wasn't nervous, but what is there to be nervous about? I need to remind myself that tomorrow I am another step closer to beating cancer. Tomorrow I am putting another cycle behind me. After tomorrow, I will only have 14 more cycles to go. I want to continue to be optimistic about how my body will handle each infusion, but I have to be realistic and prepare for the worse.

"Hope for the best while preparing for the worst."

This has been a motto that I have applied throughout my life since my adolescent years. It has enabled me to handle anything that has come my way. I have never been knocked down so badly that I was unable to recover. There is always a way out of the darkness. You just have to fight like hell sometimes to get there. If you ever need a boost, don't hesitate reaching out to me. I may be a cancer patient, but I have plenty of love in me to help those in need. If you can't find the silver lining, I assure you I can. (Sophia knows this first hand)

Those of you that are reading and are worried you'd be bothering me by texting, don't feel that way. I love you and even if I don't respond as fast as I usually do, I will always respond. Anyways, I need to catch some ZZZZZs before tomorrow's infusion. Thank you for joining me in my ramblings! Stay tuned for my next update on how interesting food has been.

P.S. The publish dates on my entries may be weird. It was really difficult for me to finish uploading the pics for the posts while I was in the daze. For my friends that have OCD tendencies like myself, the dates published will be the dates I actually wrote the entry. *ahem* Julian