I'm Backkkkkkk

Hello World! Sorry for those of you that have been concerned about me and how I'm doing. I'm so happy to report that overall, I am feeling pretty darn close to "normal," if that's even something I can describe myself as. I'll tell you a funny story that happened this morning that led me to just get off my toosh and write something (really anything) for my small audience.

This morning I took my usual bath, but this time I decided I wanted to refresh my scalp with Paul Mitchell's Tea Tree shampoo. If you have used this shampoo before, you totally understand the amazing cooling feeling that occurs afterwards. If you haven't tried it before, you should definitely add that item to your short term goals. My hair loss has continued throughout the change in my chemo regimen from A/C to Taxol. When I say I'm losing my hair, it is not limited to the hair on my head but also my eyebrows, eyelashes, and nose hairs. So why is this information important you ask? Well scientifically the purpose of our eyebrows is to protect our eyes when we sweat. Have you noticed that your sweat drips down your forehead and down your temples normally? Well this is also what happens when soap suds drip from your hair in the bath. Needless to say, lack of eyebrows led to a NOT SO AMAZING burning sensation in my eyeballs. Ouch. The first silver lining is I will only make that mistake once. The second silver lining is that despite my lack of eyebrows, I still look normal thanks to Vi and her amazing tattooing skills. If I didn't get my eyebrows tattooed in November, I would look like a live action Mrs. Potato Head and would not be able take myself seriously everyday when I look in the mirror. A reminder that things happen in a special order for unknown reasons.

Taxol has given me a sense of normalcy

So what else have I been doing over the last 2 months? Taxol has given me a sense of normalcy. Taxol does not affect your counts like A/C did. I do not need the Neulasta on body injector and I do not need to take ANY oral steroids or anti nausea medications. The side effects of Taxol are so different and much more manageable. The first major side effect that I immediately experienced were muscle aches. My legs felt like I had just run a marathon and it became difficult for me to use stairs. I have been doing weekly acupuncture to reduce the muscle aches and I can say that it has truly helped. After 2 sessions of acupuncture along with going to the chiropractor every other week, I have very a minimal amount of aches both in my legs and back. Hooray!!! During my Taxol infusions, I also ice my finger tips and toes in hopes of preventing nephropathy. This method is similar to the chewing of ice during Adriamycin. Whoever is with me (usually my sister) fills up 2 ziploc bags of ice about half way. To ice my hands, I put on a pair of latex gloves and just hold a bag of ice with my finger tips.

For my feet, I put on a pair of socks and bury my toes in the bag of ice and make sure they feel cold. The doctors say something about the ice prevents the chemo from getting to those areas. I'm assuming this is why cold capping is successful for some patients.

Another side effect that has been occurring intermittently are related to my teeth. I experience an increase of sensitivity in my teeth overall and additionally I have been having some toothaches and some discomfort inside my mouth. I wasn't able to identify any actual sores, but some areas of my mouth were inflamed making it difficult to chew. My dentist was able to prescribe me prescription strength toothpaste which has significantly decreased the sensitivity to hot and cold. Prior to switching to Sensodyne toothpaste and the prescription toothpaste, I couldn't even eat cold pasta salad because of the pain. I can happily report now that I am able to enjoy MOST cold and hot foods.

A continued side effect that has been increasingly annoying is the weight gain I've talked about before. I won't even look at what the scale says when they weigh me every week. It's truly discouraging to see how much weight I've gained since cancer made its appearance. For those of you wondering, I have gained between 25-30 pounds. This is more than I gained in both of my pregnancies. The doctors are not concerned by the additional weight and have reassured me that it is quite common to see the weight gain through chemotherapy. My family always tells me to not focus on it so much as it is all temporary. They tell me that I need the additional weight and nourishment to help my body fight throughout treatment. I have had to buy body conscious clothes and underwear that doesn't strangle my hips. Despite this I do my best to continue the optimism and try to ignore all the weight related things that piss me off because it's all a part of the process.

so many moments that I have felt this is not that bad

I have to admit that I have been struggling with my emotions since I last posted. I'd like to share with you all some of the thoughts that have resonated over the last couple of months.

As mentioned in previous posts, there is so much to celebrate. There is so much progress and so many moments that I have felt "this is not that bad." I think all the positivity I am manifesting in my own world is finally catching up to me. There has to be a balance in life and that balance has been making its mark more recently. After the last cycle of A/C (May 9), I couldn't physically overcome the fatigue. Getting up to walk around didn't make me feel significantly better. I continue to wake up every morning and get stuff done (i.e. getting the girls ready for school), but I feel like I'm struggling to continue the momentum. I make it into the office almost every day even if it is only for a few hours. My team has been doing an amazing job making sure I am not bombarded with my usual irate agent issues and diverting a lot of my communication through emails. Emails have been especially helpful in allowing me to access the situation and figure out a solution at my own pace without having to actually banter back and forth with an agent. My focus on the tired days is still limited with relation to time.

The balance I'm experiencing also involves the closest people around me. The cancer is definitely at the forefront of everyone's mind, but I think the way I'm dealing with it puts everyone in a comfortable place. Trying to explain this is in a way that does not alarm the general population is rather difficult. From a character perspective, I am very independent and do not ask for much assistance to do much of anything. This has held true in my mental state throughout the whole ordeal. I think when people hear that I'm doing so well despite their initial expectation, it allows them to forget that there are going to be down times. I know that NO ONE expects me to operate as usual, but I think my "normalcy" is taken for granted. Jimmy has picked up all my slack since cancer has intruded in our lives. I see the frustration he experiences with the additional tasks and how the girls behavior is affecting him. His mood at home is not pleasant and I know that he doesn't mean to be that way. It's just a product of our circumstances. Parenting is tough without adding illness to the mix and I am not as available to share in the responsibilities.

The word "motherhood" has sparked a new light throughout the treatment. I look at my beautiful girls and think how lucky we are to have them. The oldest, Addison, is unbelievably sweet and caring towards me. She says things like "I'm so glad your cancer is going away" and "Mommy, you make my life better." The littlest, Ailee, loves my shaved head. She approaches me from behind, tickles my head, giggles, and repeat. When she sees my port a cath incision, she tells me in Vietnamese, "Mommy đau (Mommy is hurting)." The unique ways these two are processing my cancer while showing their affection just warms my heart. Even though I may feel like I'm not giving them enough attention, they haven't skipped a beat in reciprocating my love.

So to conclude, I would like to apologize to my support team for my lack of presence. The last cycle of A/C and beginning weekly infusions of Taxol has left me with writer's block. I come back to my blog and look at how long it has been since my last post and I become more discouraged to write. So much time has passed now and I no longer know what to write about without boring my audience. I want my writing to be a way for me to manage my emotions/stress level throughout my journey, but I also want it to be entertaining and informative for my following. So please give me feedback and let me know what you would like to hear more about or what questions you have? I need some help with direction during this funk.

P.S. Today is infusion number 13 which means I only have 3 more weeks of this before surgery. 🤗🤗 Be on the lookout for my next post about my travels over the last couple of months. I can't wait to share the experience with you all.