Good evening, loyal friends!
I'm writing to you from my bed the night/morning before my next surgery. I've disinfected myself with the special pre-operative soap and I am now relaxing on my clean sheets. All of this feels so "normal." It is interesting to feel that surgery is like a routine check up. It's something that has been such a huge part of the last year. Tomorrow will make surgery number FIVE since March 2019. So what is going through my head now? I am dreading recovery. Though the surgery is only 1.5 hours, the tenderness is insane during recovery. For those of you that are just now tuning in, tomorrow's procedure is nipple reconstruction, liposuction, and fat grafting. Liposuction is was causes the most discomfort. I literally feel like someone stabbed me with chopsticks in those areas. They will be bruised and just plain beaten up. All of this is done to fill in the gaps and add fullness to my breasts. Bigger boobs and fat sucking from troublesome places? Sign me up! 🙋♀️ To top it off, it's all covered by insurance. 🤣
I wanted this post to be about what continues to bother me related to cancer and the surgeries. My last procedure was at the end of January. I am now beginning to feel hypersensitivity in the areas along my hip where he extended the incision. This is really bothersome considering my kids are hovering at that height. Even gentle grazes against a chair or desk send these papercut like feelings in those areas.
Another annoying problem is not being able to sleep on my stomach. I'll be honest with you all. I have not asked my surgeon when I would be able to. I am simply just paranoid that I'm going to damage his work and be left with little options to repair. So needless to say, I've been partially sleeping on my side for the couple of months and it has been fantastic. You don't realize how something so simple can change your mood. I hadnt slept on my side since August 2019. 😳
My short term memory is also an issue. Prior to chemotherapy, I could remember everything. I was not dependent on Post It notes or my notes app on my phone. I felt like I was always on top of things. These days I feel like I'm playing catch up. I'm definitely getting things done but need a to find out if this is something a specialist can help me regain.
My skin changed so much throughout chemotherapy. Those of you that know me personally, know that I dont wear any make up. I'm bare face almost everyday with the exception of weddings or other events when I bring in Pink Palette Artists to get me dolled up. Chemotherapy brought out all the sun spots on my face. I am not good at remembering to wear sunscreen daily. Hell I'm not good at remembering to do anything daily (i.e. taking vitamins). Not only did these dark spots appear, but my skin doesn't heal in the same way. I am a scab picker which translates to picking any bump off my face. I was Dr. Pimple popping my own face before it was popular and have been blessed to never have scars for doing so. Well, I can tell you that's not the case anymore. 😭😭 I now have to be mindful and try to treat blemishes instead of just popping them. Blemishes are also appearing more frequently. My oncologist said it is apart of my hormones kicking back in since my ovaries are starting to turn on again.
Speaking of ovaries, I loved being kicked into chemopause during treatment. No more periods and all the ugly things that come along with the monthly visits. I want to say that men are so lucky to not have to deal with this. My ovaries turned back on sometime last year and my first cycle was one of my worst ever. It was similar to the post partum period that you swear something must be dying in there to bleed out for that many days. With the heaviness of the flow, I immediately went to my OB to find a solution. I wanted to go back on my Mirena IUD to control the flow, but was told by my oncologist that she would not recommend it because of the low dose hormones and my previous cancer. Womp womp! Ultimately, she gave me the okay to use it since she understood why, but said I can only use it temporarily until I get my anticipated partial hysterectomy. Oh joy I'm, another surgery. 😒 However, I'm happy to report that my periods are now much lighter and occurring every other month or so. 😁😁
Sleeping has not returned back to my 10 hours of rest per night before cancer visited though it has increased from 3 hours to 6 hours. I stopped my CBD and THC usage after I stopped chemotherapy, but now that I'm realizing this is still a problem, I think I will revisiting those as sleeping aids.
These are the immediate nuisances directly related to the cancer I had and are now things that I have to accept as part of my normal life. Now you know I can't leave you just the bad stuff. With all these negatives comes the wave of positives.
I AM FINALLY LOSING WEIGHT! I REPEAT, I AM FINALLY LOSING WEIGHT!! 🤗🤗 I experienced extreme weight gain from all the steriods they were pumping into me for 6 months. My oncologist told me I was 165 at my heaviest point. When we did our tele medicine appointment, she said she noticed I had lost weight. I'm so happy I can visibly see my body returning back to a normal shape. I know squares are a shape but I was tired of being boxy like SpongeBob. I am now down to 146ish. Throughout quarantine, I have been more mindful of what I eat and also doing intermittent fasting with my eating window from 11am-7pm. I have also cut down on the amount of booze I'm drinking despite feeling drawn to drink after dealing with my kids all day.
You know what else is back? MY TASTE BUDS!! (I think). Quarantine has forced us to do more cooking at home and I'm slowly getting back into the rhythm of whipping up a meal. The family has not complained of things being bland or not edible and the meals have tasted good to me. 😅 Toothpaste has that minty feeling again! Woot! My teeth are still a bit sensitive to really hard items like bread and crispy thick bacon, but I'll take that over taste issues ANY DAY!
My fatigue occurs far and few between. I can be out and about with the kiddos without NEEDING to go down for a nap. Now wanting a nap is whole other story. 😂 I can focus on longer phone calls at work and have the patience to go through the irate agent calls. My tolerance for that was so extremely low last year. I don't find myself out of breathe when I do dishes or vacuum anymore. All of these things may seem small in the grand scheme of things, but for me are reminiscent of life before cancer. They are the other kind of familiar feeling. They are feelings that I haven't felt in over a year but are comforting now that they are back.
My hair is coming back in darker and more coarse than it was before my hair loss. My eyebrows and lashes are slowly making their way back. I am SO ready to have Vi with Xtravagant Lash put on a new set of beauties and also do my powdered ombre eyebrow touch up. I may not wear make up, but I LOVE my lash extensions. They make me FEEL good and also make it seem like I tried to look presentable in the morning. 💁♀️
Lastly, I wanted to share one of the most recent happy feelings that happened on Monday. I was filling out my pre admission paperwork and I marked NO for the cancer box. Something so simple felt amazing and made me smile. It was a moment where I didn't have to write that cancer paid a visit. It was a time where I confirmed without a doubt there is no cancer in my body.
Writing the good and the bad down on paper helps me realize that it is all manageable. Everything I have endured along the way is manageable. For all the current patients out there and for anyone that is in a dark place, I promise you there is a light at the end you can look forward to. I can't say when you will reach that point, but don't be discouraged by the obstacles in life. They are ALL able to be overcome. Take it one day at a time. Baby steps in the right direction are still progress. If you need encouragement, reach out to you support or ME! I'm here for anyone that just needs someone to help them work through the darkness. YOU ARE NOT ALONE!
My apologies if this post seems scattered and not well written. I always want to leave you all with something before I go under because, well, you never know. Thank you for all the well wishes for my surgery today and I will "see" you all on the next post! Signing off from my pre-op room!
