Hi Virtual World!
I wanted check in with you all post hysterectomy . Recovery has been great overall and I have not experienced any complications or major discomfort. The restrictions the doctor placed on me were the following:
- Don't lift anything over 5 pounds
- No sit ups
- No sex
- No baths or swimming
- No driving for the first 2 weeks
How do these types of restrictions affect my daily routine? Let's start from the top. Not lifting anything means I can't play with the kids. I have to plan my drive home based on the availability of someone being able to carry my sleeping child out of the car. If she hasn't napped that day and no one is home to help, the little has to stay at my parents house for the night. I can't lift the littlest out of the bath tub during bath time. Carrying groceries in have to be done 1-2 bags at a time. Carrying laundry to the washer has to be done in multiple trips. It's interesting to find so many things that I am unable to do after this surgery that didn't even come across my mind for my DIEP flap reconstruction surgery. I think the difference is that surgery took a huge toll on me physically. I could FEEL my mobility restrictions. However, with the laparoscopic hysterectomy, I FEEL normal with the exception of random onsets of fatigue. I have to be careful to not overdo things just because I feel normal as the complications can be serious.
Let's talk about no sit ups. The first thing that comes to mind is "I don't do sit ups anyways." Then I started to think about that a bit. I don't do sit ups for exercise, but I do have to SIT UP to get out of bed. 🤣🤣 I had this light bulb moment and now need to remember to roll to my side to get out of bed and push up on my hands. This technique is one that I practiced quite a bit post DIEP flap. This restriction only caused me an issue once. I was having a bad dream and when I woke up, I sprung up from the bed which is essentially a sit up. I immediately felt a pain from inside my body. I would rate it a 3 on a 10 scale. I think I was more concerned that the pain meant something was wrong. I monitored my spotting over the next day or so to be sure there wasn't an unusually high amount of bleeding or discharge.
...it is okay to be selfish when it comes to self care
No sex has been a big one that weighs heavily on my marriage not just during this recovery period, but throughout this journey. As I'm continuing to work on finding a new normal, my focus has drawn away from the idea of intimacy in general. I'm just now starting to feel comfortable in my own skin. Every day I stand and look in the mirror trying to accept the way my body is going to look for the rest of my life. Sure, the scars will fade with time, but they aren't going to disappear. The dreams of wearing a low rise bikini is gone and so are the high leg bathing suits. I've really focused on my weight loss journey to help me feel better about myself and boy it has helped the most in regaining my confidence. While I'm here focused on me and my health, I tend to lose focus on what's important to Jimmy and what his needs are. Speaking with my other married friends makes me realize how common intimacy issues are not just for someone overcoming an illness, but new moms, working moms, moms struggling with self image, and just women in general. It brings me comfort to know that I am not alone in this realm of problems, but I need to find how I can redirect my focus to find a resolution. I know it is okay to be selfish when it comes to self care especially my health, but I don't want to forget about my husband's needs. I just need to make an action plan to make him feel like I am trying and that I want to be better for him.
With our latest home improvement, the pool, not being able to swim has really affected what our little family does together. I went from swimming every day for my daily dose of cardio to not swimming at all. I am discouraged to sit outside just to watch the kids swim. Typing that out makes me seem like a selfish bitch, but I really dislike being outside in general. The weather hasn't been enjoyable enough to have the desire to sit outside to relax. I would be agreeing to sit uncomfortably in the humidity and heat. Aside from not wanting to force myself into an uncomfortable state, I was mostly concerned with going backwards on my weight loss journey. My one night hospital stay lead to me gaining 4 pounds from all the IV fluids they were pumping in me. I knew it was water weight, but it was still totally discouraging to step on that scale to see that much of a weight increase. My daily dose of cardio is what I could do to help me drop the last 6 pounds to get to my initial goal weight prior to the next surgery. I have to survive the next 4 weeks through Thanksgiving and get to there. I eased my way into doing some laps last week with the kids hanging on to my legs to add more weight. It felt good to be back in the water. It felt good to able to take back control over my weight loss plan. It felt the best spending time with my sweet girls in the water. Feeling their excitement and happiness from something so simple gave me peace and gratitude. Moments like those are what make parenting so rewarding.
Not driving for 2 weeks was more annoying because I couldn't take care of my own errands without assistance. Thankfully my friends and family have done an amazing job supporting me and chauffeuring me around to get things done. I'm forever indebted to my boss, Pete, for being so flexible with this whole journey. For the last 18 months, I haven't had to worry about job security. I was able to work from the comfort of my home when needed. I reciprocated the gesture by basically working my regular work load at the times my body allowed me to. I did not have to take full days off throughout chemo and have taken a minimal amount of days for my surgeries. For my own sanity, keeping things as normal as possible, helps the time to pass. Without a routine, I think I would be buried in dark thoughts and the whole outcome could have been different.
What motivated me to write this post was actually a moment of emotion I felt while talking to Niki. We were talking about emotions felt during loss or the possibility of loss. While close family friends are grieving the loss of their loved one, I could feel their pain. I have experienced loss of friends throughout my whole life and I handle it all very well. I find peace quickly and preserve their memory in my heart and mind. However, while discussing how certain family members felt with my diagnosis back in March 2019, my eyes filled with tears. When I told my family about my cancer diagnosis, I did not cry. I had mentally prepared myself to have this very conversation beforehand.
Thinking back on it now, I think I did that because subconsciously I felt like if I kept it together, it would be easier on them. I can still see my brother's face to my right and my sister in law shed tears next to him. I felt the overwhelming silence in the room as they began to feel the possibility of losing their baby sister. I could see all of them struggling to find the right response in that moment.
Sharing this with you all now is drumming up an overwhelming amount of emotion. Something that Covid has done to me is make me miss my family. I've mentioned this in previous posts, but I'm starting to feel like I'm losing the connection with my siblings. I know that the amount of love we have for one another is still immeasurable, but there is a feeling of disconnect. I feel like I'm missing watching my nieces and nephew grow up. I'm missing the experiences and memories we make together. I know that this is only temporary, but this is seriously the longest temporary we have gone through.
Aside from my huge desire to be with my family especially as the holidays are fast approaching, I am enjoying not having plans on the weekends. The extrovert in me always had a busy schedule on the weekends. Weekends were filled with a plethora of children's activities like birthdays and play dates. 2020 weekends have been spent at home. I went from hosting dinners for friends regularly to only having those in my Covid bubble come over for drinks and dinner occasionally. My Covid bubble contains a handful of my friends that limit their exposure to the outside world similar to our family. This bubble of friends has given me sanity in the chaos. My bubble is not full of my usual main squeezes though. This gives me mixed emotions. Sadness comes from feeling like things will never go back to what they once were. I can no longer nurture those relationships as I always have without that face to face connection. Because I have to be so cautious about other's exposure risk to protect my family, our lives cannot merge as they did before. Do I get FOMO seeing my friends out at bars? Absolutely. I miss sitting down and enjoying a beautiful crafted cocktail at Watch Company with Julian. I miss stopping at Etro to have my catch up session with Ahmed. I miss deciding and indulging in post drinking eats with Anthony and Sa. Do I miss festival season? 100%!! Julie and I have always had a list of places to go, things to do, and pictures we force our children to take. We haven't been able to celebrate birthdays, each other, or randomness due to the dynamic of Covid and our children. We can all agree COVID blows, but I'm so grateful that I have friends that care about my family's well being and respect my decision to lay low.
What is the silver lining of my Covid bubble (pictured above)? I have been able to build a closer relationship with the Phamily. We have created something to look forward to, our weekly dinners. The kids have had more time off the screens because of the pool. We have been satisfying our food cravings stemmed from countless hours of food shows. Karen and I have gotten to discover and laugh about all the things we have in common that we have never shared with another human. I love the hours that we spend gathered at our dining room table. In between an otherwise crappy scenario, we get to relish in mountains of food, drinks, stories, and laughter. Special shout out to Johnnie and Mariel for partaking in our shenanigans too and always bringing delicious eats. Our family has really enjoyed seeing you guys more often especially the girls. They love their Chu Johnnie and Co Mariel. 🥰Without my Covid bubble, my extroverted self would be in a terrible mental state. I know a lot of the peeps if not all of the peeps in my bubble are introverted by nature so THANK YOU ALL for putting up with my extroverted tendencies/needs. In the meantime, I will continue to enjoy this low key life and hopefully we will all be able to resurface for a breathe of fresh air soon.
even the "Strongest" people have weak moments
For everyone also going through a difficult time with their mental health, reach out to someone. It could be a therapist, a friend, a family member, or hell call me! Do not feel like you're alone on ANY journey in life. There has been someone if not MANY people that have felt exactly what you are feeling. Carrying those feelings internally without resolve will create a snowball effect in other aspects of your life. Share your story if you are comfortable doing so because remember that even the "Strongest" people have weak moments. That is what makes us human. Facing adversity and making it to the other side is what builds strength and resilience. Don't fight your battles alone. Now more than ever, we need to be there for one another. Fight on, my friends! We are in this together.
I delayed posting this last week due to being swamped but I wanted to add a special paragraph about gratitude to my original post. I want to take the time to share with you all the importance of gratitude because I feel it helped me through some of the darkest times of my journey and throughout life in general. Today and every day, I challenge you to think aboit/write down/or share with a person one thing you are thankful for.
In this moment, I am thankful for my good health to be able to continue to share my story with you all. I am thankful to be able to take my girls on our first Thanksgiving vacation. We have spent the last few days making new memories together with our close friends and recognizing that 2020 hasn't been completely terrible. I am grateful to be able to share my experience to help our friends in Hawaii navigate the beginning of her cancer journey. If there is one thing that I've noticed in life, it is that everything has a purpose or can be a purpose. I built a connection to this family through patronizing their restaurant every time I visited Hawaii. I came back last year in between chemotherapy sessions to visit again and he shared with me all the information he knew about natural cancer remedies. Who would have thought that I would be able to return the favor this year and really provide comfort for them during an uncertain time. Opal, Aoy, and Leo, I will be thinking of you often and I will be sending all my healing energy your way. You have treated my friends and family with such hospitality over the years and we will join together to help you as much as we can. Let's try to focus on the positive things in life because carrying the weight of all the bad is so exhausting.
I want to wish you all an amazing Thanksgiving full of blessings, gratitude, and of course a full belly. Though we may not be able to gather as we usually would, we can express our love from a distance. Technology is helping us stay connected in the safest way possible. Thank you again for your support over the last 1.5 years. Your love has made time really fly by.