Hi Virtual World,
I'm coming to you from my comfy bed as I listen to one of my favorite sounds in the world, rain. I don't really have a plan for what I'd like to share, but I knew that I had to touch base one last time as we bring 2020 to an end. If this year has done anything, it has taught us to appreciate the intangible things. I thank the powers above for giving me cancer in 2019 as I could not imagine the amount of frustration I would have with society this year while undergoing chemotherapy. I am thankful that I felt like I had it easy through cancer as if my cancer wasn't a tough one. I see one of my closest friends battling her chronic conditions and absolutely know that she feels more pain everyday than I did on my worst day. I can only hope that she finds relief soon. I'm rooting for you everyday, love!! I have realized that my princesses are more drawn to whoever is most present in their lives and throughout this pandemic, I've been the lucky one. People are realizing their mortality as we see so many loved ones, so many role models pass away. We are realizing how significant physical touch can be when we are unable to embrace our family and friends. We took for granted social gatherings that allowed us to celebrate, connect and foster relationships. We are realizing WHO is important in our lives now.
Most importantly, this year has brought to light a topic that many beat around the bush about, mental health. Being of Vietnamese decent, I know I was raised without any guidance to navigate the feelings I had. Even though Asian parents are often helicopter parents, they lack the ability to express feelings. I actually cant remember a conversation with my parents that discussed how I felt. I only remember the ones that were about what I was doing wrong. It could absolutely be a mental block my adolescence has created, but even now feelings are not talked about often. There is also a huge sense of pride or image that families feel they need to uphold. Every parent seems to be molding their children into something they want to be proud of. By no means is this a negative thing, but at the same time there is a severe lack of acknowledgement of what isn't going right. Scolding your children about their life choices only gets so far. At some point we all have to recognize that there's a bigger issue at hand. This all boils down to mental health. When a person feels trapped in their circumstances, criticism can intensify the problem sending this person into a downward spiral. If we can change our avoidance defense mechanism and have open conversation about the feelings/problems, maybe we can help our fellow humans through their dark time. If we can normalize therapy, maybe we wouldn't have as many suicides and substance abusers. I hope that if you are going through a difficult time, that you don't just internalize everything because you don't want to bother someone with your problems. We were put on this earth to be there for one another even if we cannot physically do so at the moment. No one wants to find out we have lost another good one because they felt alone, unwanted, or unheard.
As I reflect back on the good, the bad, and the ugly in my life, it looks like this:
Ugly are my scars that are scattered across my whole body. Ugly are the ominous thoughts that constantly flood my brain about cancer knocking at my door again. No matter how much progress I have made in this journey, I'm never really in the clear. I can never assume that cancer is gone for good. Bad are the residual signs that cancer once existed. From the sudden onset of extreme fatigue to the sadness from the end of fertility, these are all reminders of what cancer has taken away from me. Despite all of this, the good is being able to put myself back together piece by piece like a puzzle. Losing 15 pounds since March gave me back a piece of control that the steroids and chemo were temporarily holding hostage. Each of the four surgeries I had this year, gave me a piece of confidence back. With Dr. Hsu's amazing skills and experience, I'm slowly feeling comfortable in my own skin even with the many imperfections. I'm teaching myself how to calm my OCD down when looking in the mirror. I have to remind myself that I'm 20% of the way to being "CURED" of my triple negative breast cancer. With your support, we have made it 1/5 of the way to the real celebration!
A bonus is the reconstruction surgeries are sculpting me into my ideal body shape all while being covered by the insurance! This is the ultimate silver lining of my cancer. I have won against the insurance company for the last 2 years. *insert evil laugh here*
As I approach a writer's block, I would like to take the time to share my wishes for each and every one of you. I wish for you to have a better year than the last. I wish for you to take time for self care, self love, and self respect. I hope this year brings you stability in these uncertain times. Most importantly, I wish you and your family good health, both physically and mentally. I will never be able to express the amount of gratitude I have for each subscriber of my journey, but I'll say it anyways. Thank YOU for still showing up after 19 months of my story. You all encourage me to continue writing which is really helpful for my own mental health. Sharing my story has been such an amazing outlet for my stress and anxiety. Happy New Year, everyone!! Let's make 2021 a year of progress and prosperity! Love yall!
I almost forgot my photo update. The first set of images are the scars I cannot hide from myself. The second set is an example of my silver lining. Although I cannot mask the trauma alone, I can still have confidence regarding my public image with the help of clothing.
Christie