C=Change

Happy Tuesday, Virtual World!

Tonight's ramblings will be about some of the changes, both small and large that I have experienced since starting chemotherapy. For those of you that know me personally, know that I LOVE FOOD! This is not your average love for food or self proclaimed foodie kind of love. This is the kind that results in a happy dance when something pleasing hits my taste buds. So with that being said, let's talk about how UNHAPPY my taste buds have been lately. I'm sad to report that hot foods are not as pleasing to the palette as they once were. One of the first meals that I noticed this change was when my mom made fresh spring rolls and hot and sour catfish soup with catfish clay pot fish ( Canh Chua Cá Kho Tộ ) for dinner while the favorite son was here. Eating the spring rolls was surprisingly refreshing! All of the aromatic herbs that I usually opt out of tasted so great. However, the soup and fish everyone else was enjoying tasted bland and did not wow my taste buds at all. I was disappointed to say the least since it's one of my favorite dishes, but I was happy that something at the table was appetizing. After doing some moderate reading online, I realized that I was not the only one experiencing these odd changes. The most disturbing of my taste changes happened just this week. I took a sip from my water bottle that I have been using every day and plain ice water tasted as though I had poured a teaspoon of sugar in it. I was immediately turned off and despite many attempts to continue drinking, the water continued to be sweet. So here is my dilemma. The doctor recommends drinking at least 64 oz of water a day, but how the hell do I stomach that if this trend continues. That day I tried changing water sources from bottled water, to filtered water at my house, and water from the fountain dispenser at a restaurant. All of which yielded the same sweet result. I finally broke down and went to Chick Fil A to get an unsweetened tea and lemonade hoping the tartness from the lemonade would give me some relief and it did not disappoint. I'm so thankful that I found something to help that didn't have a ton of sugar. It's the small victories that are helping me get through this whole ordeal. Unfortunately, this "win" did not prevent me from being nervous every time I was about to have a sip of water. Thinking about it as I type this is making my mouth increase in saliva as if it's preparing me to puke. *quivers* Other food related changes have included my new found love for cold sandwiches. Unlike my friend, Nathan, sandwiches were typically at the bottom of my list of things to eat. Now, cold sandwiches are closer to the top when I can't decide what to eat. Something about cold cuts and fresh veggies allows me to taste all the different flavors/textures. The key for me is to always have something tart (pickles) and spicy (cherry peppers) in the sandwich with a side of kickin' ranch. This sour and spicy has also helped with with hot foods as well. I feel like I'm in a Korean drama always looking for pickled something to go with my meal. Indian and Mediterranean food have been great as well with the exception of naan and really breads in general. This was one of the most heartbreaking taste changes. Bread and butter in all variations is LIFE!!!! Pappadeaux's french bread and whipped butter tasted bland for the first time. Baguettes with vietnamese garlic aioli tasted dull. I was in such disbelief I continued to eat both hoping for the familiar taste to return. Needless to say, I was left unsatisfied with a belly full of carbs. *insert anime teardrop above head* Ahhhhh, I'm so disappointed even telling you all this because it's been almost 4 weeks without that buttery, crunchy goodness. Okay moving on to the next moderate devastation, sweets. Sweet things don't taste the same. For a lack of better words, sweets taste dull or less sweet than they would normally. I know this is not a change in the baker because this applies to all bakeries/restaurants I've tried to eat dessert at lately. Either way, this change isn't preventing me from cleansing my palette after a meal. I've just been eating a couple bites instead of the whole thing. So the silver lining to the taste change is: If I don't keep trying to eat the bread, butter, and sweets thinking it will taste as it once did, I will be healthier. Lol. That sounds like a pathetic silver lining, but I do need get beach ready in the next month. My new goal for the coming month is to get back down to pre-second baby weight in time for Hawaii. The attempt will be done by dietary changes and hoping I can increase my activity level to offset the appetite increase the steroids I'm taking cause.

So another change that has occurred is the dreaded hair loss. Have you all ever seen the movie, The Craft? If not, google "The Craft hair loss scene?" Basically, the mean girl gets a spell put on her for being an ass to her classmate that's also a witch which causes her hair to fall out. She deserved it so I didn't feel bad for her, but I feel like her. My hair is falling out in chunks. As I mentioned in a previous post, the hair loss was not a major concern of mine since it is temporary. It was exactly 2 weeks after my first infusion that the first major sign of hair loss occurred. I was taking a bath with Addie and when I rinsed my hair, the entire tub was filled with strands of my hair. Addie said, "Oh wow mommy, there's a lot of your hair in here." Together we spent fifteen minutes picking out the hair to save our plumbing.

Addie and my collection efforts in the bathtub

After the bath, I blow-dried my hair with cold air and took a wet brush one stroke through the left side. The whole brush was filled with my hair. This shocked me quite a bit, but not with sadness.

One brush stroke

I was trying to devise a plan about how to keep my hair until Ailee's birthday party in a week. I wasn't ready to shave my head just yet and I wanted to have pictures with everyone still looking "normal." As the week passed, subtle tucking of my hair behind my ear, adjusting my part, or just moving my head on my pillow too quickly all led to dozens of strands in my hands or on surfaces. My clothes were filled with strands of my hair and the floor looked like I had an extremely long haired dog during peak shedding season. As each day passed, my frustration about the amount of hair grew exponentially. Sunday, April 14th arrived and it was a gorgeous day. I decided after walking outside that morning that today would be the day I take control of this hair loss and shave my head. I couldn't imagine watching it continue to fall out and actually look like I am suffering from alopecia. I didn't want to look unhappy and sick. I couldn't let cancer slowly take my hair. I told Addie that we were going to shave my head and she immediately began to cry. To be honest, I did not expect her to react that way. The first reason is because I bought her a book about the expected hair loss due to chemotherapy. Secondly, we thoroughly discussed what was going to happen and that I would eventually shave my head. Once she composed herself, her first words were "Mommy, I'm not ready for you to not have hair." My eyes watered as I tried to find the right words to comfort her. The only thing I could think of was to explain the benefits of chemo and how the trade off of chemo killing the cancer is hair loss. I simply asked her, "Would you rather the cancer be gone or mommy to have hair?" Naturally, she said killing the cancer is more important and that mommy living is the most important. It's times like these that I'm so grateful that Addison is not your average six year old. Her maturity amazes me and she is processing this so well. She is sharing what she's feeling with me and openly talking about my cancer with those that ask. I'm so proud of the little lady she is becoming. So I'm sure you all want to see the before and after photos, right? Well here they are! I even wore my fiesta dress to make it more jovial.

...today would be the day I take control of this hair loss

B E F O R E

On to other changes that are significant more to others than to myself. My patience is almost non existent for the general population. I feel bad that I am unable to have the conversations I once was able to carry on so easily. I want to be able to listen to what's going on in my friend's and family's life, but I don't have the attention span to make through all the details. I feel like I'm not pulling my weight in the relationship as much as everyone reassures me that I'm being ridiculous. Part of me feels closer to the ones around because of the enormous amount of support we are receiving. The other part of me feels like I'm being pushed away because people feel talking to me about themselves would burden me. Please know that I want things to be as normal as possible despite my fatigue and lack of focus. I want to feel like I'm not missing out on things going on in your lives. So if you find that sharing with me by way of email, text, or messenger; please do so and I promise I will read and listen.

Take the time to find the good in life because despite the dark clouds that you may feel are hovering over your head, there are plenty of reasons to be grateful for life.

My tolerance for negativity is also at an all time low. Every day I have to manifest my own positive energy. Whether it be by getting up everyday ready to do our regular morning routine or just reminding myself that there are people that have bigger problems than me, I have to make sure I'm on top of my mental health because a negative heart does not promote healing. A message to you all as my support team, please try to do this for yourselves as well. Take the time to find the good in life because despite the dark clouds that you may feel are hovering over your head, there are plenty of reasons to be grateful for life. There are people that care about you and do not want you to feel like you're fighting your battle alone. Be strong enough to share your darkness with your loved ones because I promise you they do not want you to feel like you're burdening them. We have to help each other in this world full of selfishness. We have to make it a point to be kind and maybe even overtly kind to the people that are undeserving because if we reciprocate their behavior, we are not doing our part in breaking the cycle. Those close to me know that I am great at killing them with kindness as I am faced with people constantly discrediting my actions, my words, and my overall being. I will NEVER stoop down to their level and my hope is that the kindness reminds them of how good it feels to be on the receiving end.

You guys have followed me on my journey for almost a month now! Whether we actually know one another in the real world or if you're just here to learn about the nitty gritty of my battle, thank you. Thank you for offering your support and thank you for sharing your time with me. Time is a precious thing we have and it is an honor that you have chosen to use it with me. Have a wonderful week, world! The countdown to Cycle 3 starts now. T-Minus 2 days. Wish me luck!

P.S. I forgot one more change that bugs the crap out of me. It is not refreshing to brush my teeth anymore. I cannot taste the minty goodness of my Aquafresh Extreme Clean toothpaste. This is a bummer every morning when I'm trying to get some pep in my step. Needless to say, I will be ecstatic when I feel that refreshing clean again. The end. I know super random. Lol.