Beauty before Brutality
- Christie V
- Mar 27, 2019
- 5 min read
Updated: Mar 29, 2019
Good evening, Virtual World!
A huge priority of mine lately has been preserving the beauty of the present. Knowing what the effects of treatment are is making my mind go into overdrive about what I want to be remembered as. Now the remembrance is no way an indication that I expect death to be the end result of this diagnosis, but it is more a remembrance of a life before C A N C E R.
I think for women (including myself) the mental struggles with breast cancer is vanity. You spend a lifetime trying to feel comfortable in your skin. From accepting the changes to your body during puberty, to adolescent comparisons to your peers that continue into adulthood, to the horrors of postpartum destruction; I was finally feeling comfortable in my skin. I was close to losing the remaining pounds of my baby weight with the goal to be in a bikini this summer when cancer came knocking at more door to say hello. As if processing the illness wasn't bad enough, I have begun thinking about the possibilities of how my body will change throughout this journey.
How will I handle hair loss?
Will I get a lumpectomy, mastectomy, or double mastectomy?
How will the chemo port look and will I need change my wardrobe?
Will there be weight loss (an involuntary diet plan is a possible silver lining)?
The internet is a terrible place with horrible pictures of the reality of treatment. Hair loss was surprisingly the least nerve wrecking side effect of treatment. I know the hair grows back when it's all over and there are so many alternatives to make it less traumatic for me. However, I really think I may feel differently the moment I have a large clump of hair resting in my hands.
The removal of part/one/both boobies is something I know I will struggle with. Something as simple as bathing myself and having to wash the area will be difficult. I haven't even been able to touch my infected breast throughout this process and I can't even begin to imagine the adjustment I will have for whatever procedure I decide to have. Hearing the real life experience from my friends, AS and SF, that are currently going through their own journeys with breast cancer, has allowed me to accept the possibilities better. AS' mentality is similar to mine and I feel she's seriously a super mom with everything on her plate. SF has so many relative experiences and feelings with being a young mother and also having a similar diagnosis to me. I find strength in their words and experiences. Thank you both for sharing your stories with me.
The chemo port was just place on March 22, 2019 and it feels exactly how I thought it would feel in my body. I did a solid google images search of "chemo port in women" only to find horrendous scars and protruding ports underneath the skin. Though the search yielded pretty scary results, it helped me to prepare of the worse case for myself. Thankfully, it doesn't look as bad as some of those photos and I'm praying I will able to have minimal scarring after it heals completely. The most uncomfortable part of it is feeling the port inside my chest and neck. I have a weird thing about my neck and collarbone being touched (thanks to my oldest brother) and I now feel like something is permanently touching these hyper sensitive areas on my body. I'm sure just like everything else, I will get used to it with time. I am definitely looking forward to that and having more comfortable mobility. For now, I will wear loose clothes and try to cover my incisions as much as I can as to not look like someone has been giving me hickies from the procedural bruising.
The most exciting possible side effect is weight loss! Although, my oncologist has reassured me that vomiting will not happen since medicine has advanced so much with the anti nausea medications, I am still concerned about the general loss of appetite from fatigue. A little assistance in losing those extra pounds would not be a bad thing, but I need to make sure that I'm adequately nourished in the process. Maybe I can be in a bikini this summer after all!
After going through these different concerns, I am left still trying to figure out how to capture life as I want to remember it. First thing on the list to do the obvious, take photos! I have spent thousands capturing the most important and less important moments in life. I have hired photographers throughout my travels to document the beauty of each location with whoever I'm travelling with. The amount of money I have invested in photography has been priceless and this occasion will not be any different. As stated in my last post, DP and HL set out to document us as a family on super short notice. However, they were not the only ones that rose to the occasion and helped me put this together. A long time girlfriend of mine, TN, came to the rescue and freshened my look before the photo session. I wanted something natural that just made me feel more lively in front of the camera and also hair that didn't look flat. She achieved all of the above!
Photo Session Numero Dos, I thought of while on the pot March 14, 2019. Since capturing the beauty of the present is the forefront of my thoughts, I had a sudden realization that I may not have boobies after all this is done. I immediately tried to find someone that could do a boudoir photo shoot on such short notice. KNboudoir was my first choice since I had recently begun following him on IG late last year. He has amazing talent and is someone I wouldn't feel creeped out by with so much of my body exposed. Lucky for me, he was available! Next up was finding the perfect make over for this shoot. The first person that came to mind was Debbie with Pink Palette Artists. I am surrounded by so many talented individuals doing what they love for a living. Deb is no exception to that statement. She worked her magic and squeezed me in her schedule the next day. And just like that, we were all ready to go! I always feel beautiful when I leave Pink Palette.
I love myself and all that life has thrown at me to get to the very point I am at today.
So how do I feel after doing these two important sessions? I feel relief that IF something were to take my life unexpectedly (Final Destination style), I would have photos that captured exactly what I loved about life. I love my family. I love my friends. I love all my friends that are now family. Most importantly, I love myself and all that life has thrown at me to get to the very point I am at today. I feel like there aren't any loose ends that need tying up. There are always things that I want to continue to improve on, but I have no regrets. That in itself is peaceful and helps me focus on beating this terrible disease. Special thanks to the team that helped me freeze life's beauty. You guys are AMAZING!!
What is your take away from this post? Leave it in the comments if you wish. My hope is that you make tangible memories for yourself and for your loved ones when you pass. Being able to see a moment frozen in time, will keep those feelings close to your heart. Those feelings of joy, love, hope, and happiness are what make our lives worth while. Good night, world!
You’re such an amazing writer Squishy! Funny how fast journalism lets you in on one’s thoughts and character. I feel like the world gets a glimpse of what I get to share with you. A sarcastically dry and humourous, fun loving, insanely witty, beautiful soul. Muah! 😘😘
We love you Tink!!!!
Yes! My neck actually bugged me more than the incision of the port. I thought I would never get used to the feeling of the part of the port that is threaded via the jugular but I don’t notice it anymore. I too did family pics and wish I’d that of the boudoir idea. Too late now. I still haven’t had my double mastectomy but I look awful.
I hope you are one of the lucky ones that experience weight loss. I too was hoping it would be the silver lining.....instead I’ve gained weight from the steroids etc....I’m a puffy mess. I also thought that the hair loss would be no big deal.....I was wrong. Despite the fact that I walk around bald now and don’t care the actual moment we decided as a family to shave it off (the chunks falling out were just too much) it was hard. Don’t let it get to that point. Once it starts falling out...shave it. I was diagnosed at the end of November with stage 2B in both breast and nodes on the right side. Feel free to message me…
Christie, I am so sorry to hear about your diagnosis but I know you will beat this. Thank you for letting me be a part of your journey. Sending you hugs from afar.