Hello Virtual World!
I'm coming to you quite exhausted since last week's post. It started on Tuesday, my last night to drink before taking a hiatus prior to surgery. I decided to indulge in some weeknight/school night drinking. I plopped down on the couch and enjoyed shots of soju until I caught the buzz I was searching for. I went off to bed only to wake up at 12:37am, then again in the 2 o'clock hour, and lastly in the 4 o'clock hour. I found this to not only be strange, but also quite frustrating. Usually, consumption of alcohol equates to uninterrupted sleep.
Maybe actively placing the surgery in the forefront of my thoughts was causing my brain to go into overdrive? Maybe it was just a one off occurrence? This is what I thought until it happened on Wednesday night. Obviously no alcohol was involved, but I constantly woke up every few hours throughout the night. This happened EVERY NIGHT leading up through this morning. I am beginning to feel a familiarity to this restlessness. This sleep pattern is almost identical to how I slept during chemo. 😭😭 The idea that the lack of restful sleep could be something that revisits is terrifying. We have already gotten out of the loss of sleep due to children. We are also living life after chemotherapy. So do I really have to endure another period of exhaustion?!
I had my OB pre-op appointment on Monday and I have to admit that nothing about that appointment was comforting. I know that there are always surgical risks involved even with the "minor" surgeries. For example, my liposuction and fat grafting surgeries have risk of infection, blood clots, and blood transfusions. These are all pretty standard for any procedure. However, this laparoscopic hysterectomy has some fun new risks. The first one being injury. So you must be thinking the same thing I was when she said that, what the heck does injury mean during surgery? Well ladies and gents, there are two types of injury. There is known injury during the procedure which will result in the appropriate additional surgeon to be called in to fix the problem. The example she used was if there is a bladder injury, she will call the urologist in to fix the issue. That could result in you having the catheter in for a longer period of time with additional follow up with the urologist. Then there is unknown injury which occurs either during surgery or as a result of the surgery that develops into a problem later. Basically, I'll be minding my own business at home and will notice some severe abdominal pains along with a high fever. That will be the indicator that something is wrong which I will then have to do a CT scan to discover where the injury is. How fun does that sound?!? So what's the up side to this you may ask? This only occurs between 1%-3% of the time. Whew!! Thank goodness for those odds. Seriously guys, if this shit happens to me, I need to start playing the lottery regularly.
...recovery doesn't look terrible, but it also doesn't look fun.
The doctor also told me what to expect post surgery. My recovery doesn't look terrible, but it also doesn't look fun. Liposuction with fat grafting is just a week recovery. I was getting used to those. I had my compression yoga pants and sports bras I was wearing for the week that assisted with the pain. I actually never took any of my prescribed pain killers for those surgeries. This hysterectomy does not appear to be as simple. Here is the outline that my doc gave me:
-First 24 hours, I will have a catheter in and they will slowly advance my diet based on my tolerance. I will need to walk with my nurse that day and should experience bloating and gas pain.
-The next morning the catheter comes out and as long as I can urinate on my own, I will be discharged from the hospital.
-Over the next 2 weeks, I cannot drive, left heavy things, or have sex. I will have my first post op follow up with my OB at this time.
-Between week 2 and week 6, I am expected to have a significant amount of fatigue. I should be able to drive, walk, and lift anything under 5 lbs.
-During week 6-8, I cannot have sex or do sit ups. During this period, I will have my second follow up with my OB.
What is the silver lining of all this? I get to have hospital food! Those that are close to me know my love for hospital food. That is seriously the best part about having to stay at the hospital. I also do appreciate the super cold AC in hospitals since my body now runs hot. I have already begun to think about what I will order post op. I'm thinking a turkey dinner with stuffing and green beans is in my near future. Then maybe some chicken fried steak with mashed potatoes and a side salad afterwards. Somewhere in between, I will get to enjoy some chocolate pudding or maybe if I'm lucky some other dessert they have on the menu. The second silver lining is not having to get up to pee for a day. I can happily sit/lay in my bed and let the catheter do its thanggggg and some lucky nurse or MA will have to hold my pee bag while I ambulate. 🤷♀️
In other news, I have been eating pretty clean (1 cheat day per week thanks to the Phams 😁) for the past three months due to an active effort to lose weight before this surgery. I wanted to challenge myself to get as low into the 130s as possible. In March I was about 155 lbs at the beginning of what is now the LONGEST spring break. When I started eating clean June 22, 2020, I weighed in at 146.6 lbs. I'm super happy to report that I am at 137ish today. Even though I'm at nearly a 20 pound loss in 6-7 months, I know there is still room for improvement. I have finally incorporated cardio into my daily routine and with the restrictions of this surgery, I'm going to have to take it easy. I need to remember to focus on my diet more to ensure the weight gain does not get out of hand. Hoping the weather is cooler in the coming weeks so I can take the girls out for a evening stroll.
Let's talk about feelings and emotions! I have been experiencing a huge variety of feelings over the last couple of months. As many of my friends are embarking on their journey to conceive, announcing pregnancies, and giving birth to these beautiful babies, I am overwhelmed with joy. I love seeing their happiness through these huge milestones. However, that happiness is accompanied by sadness. I feel sad that my fertility is coming to an end and sad that I don't have a safe option to keep growing my family biologically. It sounds crazy because I didn't necessarily want any additional children. I think having the option taken away is what makes this more difficult. I could have chosen to be selfish and ignore the risks, but that completely contradicts my methodology so far. I'm constantly reminding myself to count the blessings I have and not remind myself of the things I don't have.
I feel sad that my fertility is coming to an end
The disappointment in my situation magnifies as I come to realize how quickly Addison and Ailee are growing up. Ailee will soon be out of the cute toddler phase giving me an attitude and in no time, Addison will be in middle school. It's a reminder of our insatiable desires. I want to speed up time so I can be past the 5 year remission mark all while wanting to slow down time and savor every moment of the girls' childhood. I know I can't have it all, but I surely can continue to do my best to make the most of every day given to me. One way I am achieving that is raising a real mini me, Addison. She was loving up on me just now and said "good luck with surgery. I hope you don't die." Some of you may be in shock reading that, but I am proud. I have successfully taught Addison to not take life for granted. She is completely aware that there are risks associated with surgeries and that life is not guaranteed. She knows that anything can happen at any time and there is always a possibility that I won't be here. She expressed that she would definitely cry with sadness and that dad would change my Netflix profile to his name. Lol. Why did those two things end up in the same thought? A small conversation like that really helps to put me at ease going into this procedure. I know that I have done a great job teaching her my outlook on life and I hope she carries that with her forever.
I am not concerned about the success of the surgery, but more about the uncertainty of the future
Am I nervous about the surgery? Yes, to a certain degree. I am not concerned about the success of the surgery, but more about the uncertainty of the future. How will the partial hysterectomy affect my daily life long term? How will my body adjust to the removal of my cervix, uterus, Fallopian tubes? Nothing you find online reassures you that this will be an easy transition. 😂 So I recommend you NOT head to Google to find out the endless possibilities and other recommendations from the online "experts." I just made that mistake and went down a 15 minute rabbit hole that is making me second guess my choice to keep my ovaries for 5 years before removal. I chose to keep the ovaries to ease my body into menopause. I chose to keep my ovaries and take the rest of it to avoid taking hormonal supplements. I still think this is the right choice for ME and that is what matters most. The online forums allow for free thinking/advice, but I have to remember to refer back to my personal conversations with MY medical team. Although everything I just saw online says I should take out my ovaries, these people are not 35 years old. They are not 17 years away from the average menopausal age. I am willing to take the risk to keep my ovaries for another 5 years if the overall quality of my life will be better for that time. I do plan to take them out around 40 years old to really eliminate the risk of getting ovarian cancer in my 40s. Hopefully my body will have a rhythm down by then since removing them will cause more mega fun changes in my body.
How am I preparing mentally for this next step? I'm preparing by writing to you guys. I am literally typing my thoughts out loud to really uncover what's going on in this brain of mine. This has been my outlet to regroup my thoughts. I have also been paying it forward through registering with the Cancer Support Community in order to provide current and future patients a connection to support them along their journey. Through this organization, I took my first survey related to a medical study relating to cancer patients throughout this pandemic. It may not seem like a lot of effort now, but I'm sure the data they collect from this will help the professionals understand the thought process and stressors for cancer patients in different scenarios. I think I will begin to use my Question a Day journal in the near future. This is something that I used to do with Addison before I was diagnosed with cancer and we haven't revisited that again yet. Addison has a similar journal that asks her a question a day. I think this can really help her work through her thoughts similar to how blogging helps me through mine. Covid has increased her stress levels since she is yearning for human interaction. I feel terrible that so many things have changed from her "normal" in such a short amount of time, but I know that I can couch her through her frustrations with reasoning.
If you are having trouble sorting through your own emotions lately, I would like to challenge you to write. By no means do you need to write a blog or anything lengthy. I suggest you start by answering the simple question, "what am I grateful/thankful for?" Make a list of those items and that will instantly put you in a better mood. The next day you can grow on that by explaining the "why" behind your gratitude. Pick one question a day or better yet, buy this journal to help get your thinking juices flowing.
Even if you choose a different method to work through your troubles, be sure to not ignore them. Try not to bottle up those emotions and wait to hit a breaking point. The amount of weight that stress carries is terrible for your mental health. I totally understand suppressing your problems with alcohol as a temporary defense mechanism, but please remember that it is only TEMPORARY. We have to find a way to find a resolution so you can return to equilibrium. I have actually been doing a little research on therapists for Addison and myself. I think it may be beneficial to have a third party listen to our world and uncover something new from an outside perspective. Just a friendly reminder that there is NOTHING wrong with seeking help. Don't let others tell you that you're weak for trying to do what it takes to better yourself and your situation. Every journey is different and there are infinite amounts of solutions. It's all about finding the right one for YOU. Until next time, friends!
XoXo,
Christie
P.S. Thank you, Niki, for the yummy cookie to ward off the bad juju. 😘❤
